Today I gave Bella her heart-worm medication. I buried it in peanut butter. She LOVES peanut butter. She is really weird in that she doesn't eat people food--but she will eat anything that has peanut butter (or butter) in it. She can't get enough of it. If I dropped a piece of turkey on the floor, it stays on the floor. If I dropped a glob of peanut butter on the floor, it would be gone and all over Bella's face in a matter of seconds.
She has really long hair... And so, when she eats peanut butter, it gets all over it! Today she did something really interesting whenever I gave her peanut butter with her pill in it. She ate it, and the left over peanut butter, she moved her face all in it (I put it in a little dish otherwise she would bite my fingers!). She got it all stuck in her hair and I was about to get really upset! Until.. she went right over to our other dog, Pippen, and sat there and let him lick her.
Now I'm probably reading too much into this (they're dogs after all), but she took something that she loved, something that is a commodity for her, something she really would do anything for, and shared it with her big brother/friend. I don't know why, but I was weirdly proud of her. And then she goes and jumps on his back antagonizing him into playing afterwards, but still, she shared her peanut butter.
Today's story was about Saul and Samuel. I really don't remember this story from Sunday School and such. But Samuel, wow, what a man of God. And I always get so frustrated with the people in these stories! They asked Samuel for a King--and God said (paraphrasing), "Well Samuel, give them what they ask and see what happens. They do this all the time--ever since I brought them out of Egypt, let them survive in the desert, and gave them life and freedom. Let them do what they want, it's their lives and their choices. We'll just see what happens. You tell them what earthly kings do--and they might realize that they got it good with me."
But still, they wanted an earthly king anyways. I just don't get it. I would NEVER want a King. I would never want someone to force me into doing things because of his so-called "divine right." You know, it's been awhile since I have gone through my break-up. This is really the longest that I have been single and alone since a long time ago, and I am so incredibly happy, and so absolutely fulfilled.
You see, my God and I have this relationship, and it makes me want nothing else. It makes me seek nothing else. Well, to an extent. I was talking to my mama about this yesterday, and I just told her that I really don't need self-fulfillment and self-worth from a man, or from others telling me how great my superficial appearance is. I am seeking self-fulfillment from doing everything, absolutely everything, for the Lord, for his name and power.
But you know what I am struggling with? Whether what I'm doing is for God's glory, or for mine. In school, I have been working so hard to get great grades, not just good grades. And this semester, even though it's the hardest and most hours I have ever done, I won't maintain the standard that I have had the past 3 semesters. I might get a B, actually, I probably did get a B. And that thought just wrenches my gut because I worked SO hard in that class.
And thinking about it, all A's reflects well on ME, not God. So am I doing this for me? Am I seeking self-worth from my academic achievements? Are my classes equivalent to a boy?
I don't know, and I'm struggling with that. I am struggling with if it's okay to just do my best, and whatever happens happens, and not being disappointed with a B, not caring if a class doesn't exactly go my way, or if I'm not the smartest, or if I don't have the greatest discussion points. The fact is, pouring my heart and soul into my schoolwork is great, but unless it glorifies and pleases God, I'm not doing it for the right reasons, I'm doing it for selfish, earthly reasons. And I'm being ruled by an earthly King, instead of being ruled by my God.
Pray for me.
God bless,
Lauren
No comments:
Post a Comment