Day 89

Last day of March! Can you believe it? March was amazing--got to go home, got some volunteer opportunities, got a great new job, made some new friends, and had some great, GREAT basketball experiences!! Let's see what April brings :) I know one thing for sure, it'll be my birthday.

I don't exactly know how I feel about getting older though. I mean, I feel like spiritually, mentally, and emotionally I'm at least 30, but my body hasn't quite caught up yet. You know, I've really been focusing on one month at a time--what can I do this month that will matter. What are my goals for the month. Instead of having a ton of New Year's resolutions--lose weight, volunteer more, talk to Grandma more, do better in school... Blah blah blah same ol' same ol', I've chosen (besides my Bible reading) to make MONTHLY resolutions.

This month my plans are to go to the Rec Center three times a week. Read two books for pleasure. And take Bella to the dog park once a week. Volunteer at the Pregnancy Crisis Center once a week. That sounds pretty legit, right? Good :)

I just love this season of my life! I have absolutely never been happier. I have never been more fulfilled. I have never been this wanting to serve. I have never been this adamant about reading my Bible. I have never had this relationship with God. And, well, quite frankly I've never drank that much coffee either.

This is what life's all about, right?! Even in the stressful times of our lives, we give praise to God and just love being His!!

I got the opportunity to speak at my young adults group at my home church, and honestly, I think I just rambled and didn't quite make sense, but I was really just trying to show people how important relationships are, and ultimately how great sacrifice is.

²³ Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. ²⁴ If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. ²⁵ And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed? ²⁶ If anyone is ashamed of me and my message, the Son of Man will be ashamed of that person when he returns in his glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels. ²⁷ I tell you the truth, some standing here right now will not die before they see the Kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:23-27

That's just absolutely powerful to me. Take up your cross. Wow. Giving up your life. Hard... I guess giving up our live is dependent upon what defines our lives. I had to take quite a long look at myself to realize what defined my life and what I needed to sacrifice. You know what I found out? And it sucked... Honestly.. Is that what defined my life is what others thought about me--how they perceived me and if they liked me. 

My whole life centered around my friends, my peers, and people who I wanted to emulate. And they weren't the right types of people. My self-worth was derived from what they thought of me, what boys thought of me, just the thoughts of others. And those defined me. They defined my actions in situations, my words, and the way that I carried myself.

But you know what? I fully surrendered to God, and I'm not going to say that I stopped caring what others think, but I don't think that it is the symbol of who I am anymore. Who I am is a daughter in Christ who is just trying her best. Who I am is someone who loves the Lord so much, and is honestly willing to do anything, go anywhere, be anything for him. Who I am is not defined by society, who I am is now rooted in the Lord; my foundation is firm. My resolve absolute. I'm a child of God and that's all the identity that I need.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 88

To comment on what I've been reading in Deuteronomy: I don't think that I would ever want to eat any sort of vulture or buzzard, God, so no worries.

Yuck.

But, I guess, if you were out in the desert, traveling to the Promised Land, and had nothing else to eat, a buzzard might sound enticing. In my current state, I have enough to live off of for weeks, so I would pass and just think about the great tan I must be getting. Ha!

I hate it when I let myself get disappointed. I really do. I get my hopes up about things, I imagine things, I day dream, I really get my heart set on certain things... And they either don't turn out how I pictured or don't happen at all. And I have to admit, I am guilty as charged. I didn't necessarily try to go my own way, but I really didn't fully trust God with one aspect of my life and I was left feeling disappointed and a bit confused.

Again, another great example why it's so important to trust God with EVERY area of your life.

**Interjection that has nothing to do with my reading: We have another dog in the house named Pippen, and he is at my roommate's parent's house for the weekend while in NOLA for the Final Four, and Bella really misses him! She is sniffing all around his crate, banging on his door, going to my roommate's room scratching at the door, and she whined a little bit and laid down by his crate. Cute! And now she just moved to my roommate's suitcase and is laying in it.

When I seriously just trust God with issues, I don't generally have negative feelings. I mean, I just got this amazing job that I have been wanting for about 2 years. I have been praying for it, and I have been working hard to earn this job. Last year, when I interviewed, I didn't get it. And this year, I knew that even if I didn't get it, I would be totally happy because I just trusted God, left it up to him, and really really prayed for understanding and peace about whatever the decision was. Praise God though because I got it!!!!

And if I was my old self, I would have been so excited, called my friends, posted on FB, and really been proud. But I didn't want any of that this year. I thanked God, said some prayers, and talked to my mom and dad. I didn't want to boast about it. I didn't want to have pride in myself... Because I know that I trusted God with this area of my life, and "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord," no matter what. God gave me the opportunity for this job for a reason. And I'm not going to abuse it by getting a big head about how "awesome" I think I am.

Let me tell you, I'm not awesome. In any way, shape, or form. I'm a fallible human being who makes so many mistakes, sins, and doesn't exemplify the disciple God called us to be everyday. But because of that cross, I am worthy to my Savior. I really am like the daughter from Luke (and other gospels) who was raised from the dead.


One thing though, it never really made sense why Jesus didn't want them to tell anyone. Can anyone explain that?

God bless,
Lauren

Day 87

"A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones." Proverbs 12:4

Wow. You know, as I'm getting older, the possibility of me getting married and attaining that title of "wife" is actually something I should probably think about. My friend and mentor and I were talking about this, and something that kind of struck both of us is how honorable the title "wife" is to a godly man. I mean, one of these days, I want to be worthy of that title. I want my husband to look at me and be proud that I'm his wife... I just want that title to mean something, rather than just be signified by a piece of paper.

I think when you get to that age, and you meet that certain man that God has for you, you lose all want of selfish desires and truly wish to serve. I know that when I get married, I'm going to want to SERVE my husband--I will find almost no greater joy than cooking for him, folding his clothes, cleaning our house, bearing his children, and making sure that my provider is happy because I know that that is what God calls of women to do! That is what a "worthy wife" is and she will be called "blessed" and be "honored" in heaven.

And for me, I think that this Proverb is also significant because it says "a crown for her husband," not "an equal standing next to her husband." A godly wife is a jewel that her husband can and will wear, be proud of, and a worthy wife shows a respectable man! What types of men wear crowns? Kings. So in my understanding of this, if I'm a godly and serving and respecting wife to my husband, he will be a King in the eyes of the world, and in the eyes of God.

Adam didn't lead his wife--he stood quiet and submissive while she ate the fruit and gave it to him as well. He was no King because his wife didn't trust and respect his authority as the head of her life. And I think for me, that's something that I really have struggled with--control. I'm the oldest child, I'm a type-A personality, but in my faith journey, I've really learned to seriously let go and let God have control over my life. I'm not worried or scared what's going to happen because I know it's in God's plan. So what if it's not my ideal plan? I've gone through pain, long-suffering, heartache, fear... And that stuff isn't fun, but it all leads me to truly trust and learn to be the woman God has called me to be.

Part of being a woman is one day becoming a wife. Part of being a woman is learning how to trust and respect authority. And that's NOT anti-feminist at all. I think that woman can work, can have equal pay for equal work, be able to vote, can wear jeans if they want to--but ultimately, their husbands are the authority of their lives. And that's in the Word in my opinion.

I'm not saying a husband has to be a complete dictator or anything, because a man of God will value his wife's opinion on things, will value her hard-work and see her in a special light. He will respect her as much as she respects him. He will appreciate her struggle to obey her authority because by doing that, it's continuing God's great and PERFECT plan.

I know it won't be that easy, but I do think that "wife" is a title that is earned, not just given when the marriage license is signed.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 86

You know, the concept of roots appears in every single book of the Bible--the idea of deep roots, the idea of spreading seeds, the notions of a firm foundation. If it appears that much, I think it is time that we pay a little bit more attention. In every book of the New Testament, the parable of the different kinds of seeds/soil is there. The seeds that just lay on the earth and never get fertilized, the seeds that are planted in shallow ground and quickly die, and the seeds that have good soil, great fertilizer, and loving hands to tend it.

I know that my roots used to be in the shallow soil. I had a foundation of Christ, but it wasn't very sturdy. It wasn't nurtured nor tended to. And that's why it would wither, that's why it would shrink, that's why I never blossomed. I really was nothing more than a shallow dandelion. I would blow away in the wind, and I was more of a weed than a beautiful flowering plant.

It's sad that I just now realized how much I have truly failed in my faith. My faith is supposed to be about spreading the seeds, nurturing others, fertilizing plants who are struggling, but, since my own foundation was so shallow, I was just struggling to survive.

I think it's a constant part of life to continually deepen your roots, like the oaks in the woods. Their roots spread far and wide and are so deep that it makes a horrible sound when they are pulled out from the soil. It's part of our life cycle to continually seek to spread our roots, to find the sunlight, the blossom during our season, and to spread our seeds to the farthest corners that the wind will take us.

I know that this is a little bit metaphorical. Okay, a lot metaphorical. But, it's really important to me to really understand my roots, to understand how fragile I am, and how much I need my gardener's hands to tend to me and help me grow.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 85

Yes, yes, I know. I didn't post during Spring Break. No excuses! I did read my Bible and am up to date, but I really just needed a total break. Of course, I still had a ton of homework (which I didn't quite finish), but I had a really great time just being around friends and family (and Bella of course) relaxing. Bella and I made it back last night, got unpacked and settled, and now we are back into the normal routine of school.

You know, living so far away from my house really makes me appreciate it more whenever I actually get to be there. There is just something about being in my bed, laying on the couch, sitting by the pool, drinking coffee on the porch with my mom that is very comforting and safe. But I have really made myself a life here. I have a routine, I have my own home, I have friends here, I have obligations, and all of them I'm really grateful for.

I truly thank the Lord for all of this. I thank him for the calm in the mornings before school. I thank him for the dishwasher humming late at night from the day, I thank him for my coffee, I thank him for my sweet, sweet Bella. I thank him for the relationships I have with my family and my friends back home that only grow stronger and sweeter with time. I thank him for my apartment, I thank him for... everything that I have and everything that I am.

The passage in Deuteronomy this morning really reminded me of HOW much I have and exactly how far I have come to have it.

"

¹¹ “But that is the time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations, and decrees that I am giving you today. ¹² For when you have become full and prosperous and have built fine homes to live in, ¹³ and when your flocks and herds have become very large and your silver and gold have multiplied along with everything else, be careful! ¹⁴ Do not become proud at that time and forget the Lord your God, who rescued you from slavery in the land of Egypt. ¹⁵ Do not forget that he led you through the great and terrifying wilderness with its poisonous snakes and scorpions, where it was so hot and dry. He gave you water from the rock! ¹⁶ He fed you with manna in the wilderness, a food unknown to your ancestors. He did this to humble you and test you for your own good. ¹⁷ He did all this so you would never say to yourself, ‘I have achieved this wealth with my own strength and energy.’ ¹⁸ Remember the Lord your God. He is the one who gives you power to be successful, in order to fulfill the covenant he confirmed to your ancestors with an oath."
Deuteronomy 8:1-18

I did not overcome what I did, get out of the wilderness I was in, throw off the chains of slavery that were bound to my ankles all on my own accord. I became who I am today because of Jesus Christ, because of the God who loves me unconditionally. I have been given blessings that I didn't realize were blessings at the time so that the Lord could remind me who exactly reigns over my life and who gives and takes away. He gave me trials to test me. (It ain't a TESTimony without a test!) 


It's really easy to pray to God and plead for his help in the difficult times, but in times of joy, we become proud and boastful of all that we have. It's about giving God thanks in ALL circumstances, good or bad, but really appreciating favorable ones. I know that I have a really, really busy next few weeks with papers to write, books to read, and work to do, but I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunities to actually be at college to have work, to live on my own to do my housework, to have responsibilities that I must do--instead of being somewhere where I have nothing. 


"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:18

God bless,
Lauren

Day 73

I am so excited to get to go home tomorrow morning!

Wednesday was probably one of the most memorable things that have happened to me at college. One of my professors and I were talking about a specific reading for our class, and all of a sudden, whips out the Bible and points to the passage that this play is an allegory to--the prodigal son. My professor told me how this is one of the greatest and most beautiful stories... Wow?!

I don't know, I guess my perception of college is very... Different. I imagine most college professors here as liberals who aren't Christians because it's not "academic" to have "faith" without "proof." So for a professor to share the gospel with me, that is something very different.

Honestly, it inspires me in my own life. He may not go up and down the streets or be in class proclaiming the name of Jesus, but he knows how to share faith when it matters.

I suppose that you don't want to be overbearing about it and offend people in class, but my own personal feelings are that political correctness has gone too far. I mean, when we don't get ANY part of Easter off of school because they don't want to recognize one religious holiday and not others.

I think that it dumb, and honestly not because I want a day of school off.. Because we are a Christian nation! Predominately!

It really meant a lot to me to hear my professor talk about Luke 15 so openly, and then use that in terms of literature. If only all types of literature were an allegory.

I'm sitting in the Kansas Union right now, drinking my coffee, looking out at the sunrise over Memorial Stadium and honestly it's so magical. I love this place! But, I got here over an hour early... Boo...

But it's all apart of God's plan--I didn't have time to write this morning or yesterday morning even though I read because I had to get places really early. Well, really early for me..

Have a great day everyone :) Enjoy the little surprises!

God bless,
Lauren

Day 71

I wonder how old Aaron was when he died. Hmm..

For my New Testament passage, I have just started Luke. Wow, what a guy. I mean, he wasn't actually one of the Apostles, but man, did he sure know and investigate his stuff. That's something that really strikes me--he says: "Having carefully investigated everything from the beginning..." (Luke 1:3). That's something that I have been doing of sorts. "Investigating." Asking the questions, seeking the answers, desiring to get accounts of WHY and WHAT and HOW... Everything that I've been told all my life, but never really understood.

There's something to be said for exploring all of the stories, the historical evidence, the proof--you come up with irrefutable evidence of Christ Jesus. My faith has been seriously strengthened the more I explore areas that I didn't have doubts about, but was confused about. There are no contradictions or exclusions from the Bible. There is complete access to the Apocrypha and explanations on why it was not included in the Bible's canon.

We have really been studying that in my college group, and I'm glad we have. Sometimes, it's just something we don't think about, we don't question... But how can we truly grasp concepts if we don't challenge things or explore things?

I have found that to be true in all areas of my life. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm so interested in becoming a lawyer. Because I want to know the truth. If something intrigues me, I honestly like to dissect it and discover all of its parts that may or may not be hidden. I like to know people, about them, where they come from, their stories, and where they are in life.

All of these cultural studies greatly interests me.

Luke was such an amazing servant and figure during this time. I am really excited to read the rest of this book :) It gets me going in the morning and sets my day right and has me thinking about things all day! Some people work out their bodies in the morning, I just have got to work out my spirit... If not, my day is imbalanced and ungrounded!

One more thing I would like to add to my random post. One of my best friends Sarah is seriously amazing. I love her Facebook statuses, the way she lives her life, and the servant she is to her husband. They are just so cute together, and so in love after over 2 1/2 years of being together. Yes, they have had their struggles, but they have always been striving towards God, never away from him. I just hope that when I'm a wife, I can really be a Proverbs 31 wife, and a wife that Sarah is everyday. 

God bless,
Lauren

Day 70

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had the most unproductive day a girl can have. It was rainy here, so it made it difficult to go on a walk, or really go anywhere. I cleaned, cooked a little, but mainly read and watched movies :) I was supposed to go to my Grandma's house yesterday, but it ended up not working out, and since I had not made plans because I was supposed to go, I literally had NOTHING to do. Well, okay, I should have been working on some things, but I had 0 motivation.

You would think it's Spring Break already, but it's not. Do you guys ever have those days? Where there are things you COULD do, but it is not necessarily pertinent that you do them?

I wonder if Jesus ever had those days. Or Moses. Man, Moses was the man! Running his own nation, dealing with a plague that killed almost 15,000 people, dealing with unruly sinners who doubt God... He even doubts God's power himself.

You know, one of the reasons I think that I haven't been as stressed out this semester is that I truly am able to lift my burdens and stresses unto God, and I just trust in him. I actually pray about things this semester and I just feel... Better!

"Cast your cares on the LORD
   and he will sustain you;
he will never let
   the righteous be shaken."
Psalm 55:22

As I look forward to this upcoming few weeks, that verse really reminds me to stay grounded with God--to really turn my eyes towards him to sustain me--to give me strength, perseverance, and peace of mind. I am so blessed to be able to do what I really enjoy. I am so incredibly lucky to be where I'm at. And I know that I can't do this on my own. I can't find the strength to get by without God. I can't focus on what he is calling me to do when I am so busy thinking about myself and my desires.

I hope that I can be a follower that Jesus can be proud of to call me his child. And it's probably the biggest struggle that I have ever faced, but I'm relying on God for my strength, God for my calling, and God to be my best friend.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 69

Truly. Jesus saves.

Reading Numbers, and God ordering the Israelites to stone a man because he gathered wood on Sundays... Or having the earth completely DEVOUR three men, their families, and all of their possessions....

We are so so so so lucky. I really deserve some fate like that. Man have I done some sins in my life. I've already sinned today in fact--I've worked a little bit and it's the Sabbath. I've made my bed, I've sorted some laundry, I've made some coffee, done some dishes, taken the trash out... And I have plans to clean some more, do some homework, and actually go to work...

I think that whole point of the Sabbath is not to abuse it and use it as an excuse for rest, but to keep it as an observance that God created this entire world in a week! And I complain about a whole week of school sometimes! It's remembered that God rested after creating everything for us. Just like Jesus said when he healed a man on the Sabbath:

"Jesus went into the synagogue again and noticed a man with a deformed hand. Since it was the Sabbath, Jesus' enemies watched him closely. Would he heal the man's hand on the Sabbath? If he did, they planned to condemn him. Jesus said to the man, "Come and stand in front of everyone." Then he turned to his critics and asked, "Is it legal to do good deeds on the Sabbath, or is it a day for doing harm? Is this a day to save life or to destroy it?" But they wouldn't answer him. He looked around at them angrily, because he was deeply disturbed by their hard hearts. Then he said to the man, "Reach out your hand." The man reached out his hand, and it became normal again! At once the Pharisees went away and met with the supporters of Herod to discuss plans for killing Jesus"
Mark 3:1-6 


The Sabbath in my mind is about giving thanks to God for this amazing world that he has created, being grateful that I'm in the image of God, and thanking Jesus for saving my life from the horrible death that I deserve. 


Do you think it's still a sin to do work on the Sabbath? I know that it's something that in modern culture we don't really think about, but there are still cultures that observe and don't work on the Sabbath at all. Like, the Amish--they prepare everything on Saturdays, they get their churches ready on Saturdays, they do their washing and lay out their clothes on Saturdays... 


By the way, I went through a spout where I was obsessed with learning about the Amish for awhile. Also I really studied Mormonism and the Duggars, too. I'm pretty fascinated with other beliefs/cultures.


Now, I almost feel like with the way my life is, working on the Sabbath is unavoidable. There is always cleaning to get done, homework to accomplish, and just normal day-to-day activities that can't stop. 


Thank goodness we don't get stoned anymore. 


God bless,
Lauren

Day 67

Every time I read of Jesus' betrayal, I feel sick to my stomach. Here I am, sitting in my nice apartment, drinking my coffee with my MacBook Pro in front of me, and Jesus is about to suffer and die on the cross so I can do this.

Do you ever feel just absolutely so ungrateful and so unworthy? Well, that's how I feel right this second. That's how I felt last night as well.

Bella and I went on our usual long walk in the evening, and everything was going great! I was listening to my Jesus jam, we were walking briskly, yeah, I was cold, but I could feel my legs getting a workout, when all of a sudden, a song that reminded me of the most painful time in my life came on as I was nearing my apartment.

I should have removed such songs from my iPhone, but I just never thought about it. Normally, I keep Pandora on or I have my Christian playlist up, but I decided last night to just shuffle all of my songs--and most of them were rocking worship, but then Adele interceded.

A flood of memories came back from that week--the hopelessness, the questioning, the pain, the hurt, the despair, the sadness, the complete lack of drive and motivation to carry on my duties.... Which then reminded me of how far I have come.

And then my reading this morning really reiterated that I have been on this long, painful, stressful, difficult journey that has led me to where I'm at:

"⁸ But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God.
      I will always trust in God’s unfailing love.
 ⁹ I will praise you forever, O God,
      for what you have done.
   I will trust in your good name
      in the presence of your faithful people."

God brought me out of that dark place. My mom helped me turn to God instead of turning to other, potentially destructive outlets for my pain. Jesus healed me. And for everything that he has done, I praise his name. He has gone above and beyond just healing my heart--he has given me a new heart, soul, and mind.

This is what having a relationship is all about! It's about turning to Him for healing, for protection, for guidance, for someone to talk to. I enjoy my walks in the evenings SO much because I get to spend just one-on-one time in the quiet of the night with my Creator. I get to look up at the stars and feel his love and presence over me every evening. When it rains, I feel him replenishing the earth as he replenished me. When the winds blow, I feel his spirit moving through the earth just as he has moved through me. When it's cold, I feel his stillness. When it's warm, I feel his love.

Sometimes I just can't help but smile. I may not have very much money, I may have some stress because of school, but I am the happiest I have absolutely ever been in my life. I have a richness of spirit that I have NEVER felt before, and I am living life to the absolute fullest!

God bless,
Lauren

Day 66

I'm going to make this morning's post a little bit short because I still have some homework to finish up... But what really got me thinking this morning was how Moses cried out to God because he was tired of the burden his people laid on him.

I guess whenever I have thought about Moses, I never really understood what all it takes to lead nearly a million people to the promise land, and how those people might complain when they are hungry, thirsty, tired... Who else do they have besides Moses?

When you read the stories of Moses, it's always glorious and heroic, but truly, Moses struggled just like all of us. He was a normal man (who lived for a gazillion years it feels like), with normal thoughts, desires, and humanly limitations.

He also continually doubts God--some days he will have this awesome relationship where he gets to go on a mountain and be in the physical presence of God, and other days, he says "Why are you treating me, your servant, so harshly? Have mercy on me! What did I do to deserve the burden of all these people?"

Men that are in the Bible are just that--men. They may have the ability to achieve and accomplish great things by the will of God, and they may have a relationship unknown to many of us, but it's important to remember that they had their faults as well. These men had their struggles, trials, and hardships too.

I think that's another component that makes the Bible so great, yet hard for non-Christians to grasp. I know for me, it's nice to here how great God was to an average and normal sinner like myself. It's awesome to see the great and amazing powers that God can give and deliver to Regular Joe's.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 65

I have been working on my senior thesis with quite a fervor. It is starting to grow bigger than I ever imagined that it would, and it has taken a form that I didn't even think I wanted to go. It's quite revealing to God's design too, which I feel like I have lost. I really haven't ever understood his purpose for relationships--I really have never quite grasped what he was trying to tell me because I was so consumed with what the world said I should be doing.

I had a boyfriend for a long period of time, we did fun things together, we shared each others' secrets, our hearts, we talked to each other, and ultimately, I do believe that I idolized him in a sense and put our relationship before my relationship with God. I was doing all of the things with him that I should have been doing with Jesus... And it ended. God laid the burden on both of our hearts that our relationship wasn't right--it wasn't based in him truly, even though we said it was... We didn't do it God's way.

And honestly, I have never felt about myself the God has felt about me. I struggle with body image, I struggle with OCD about certain things, I struggle with putting things above my relationship with God, I struggle with being consumed by technology-- I use all of these things as a way to put God on the back-burner... Unknowingly, but sometimes knowingly.

I make excuses and I pretend sometimes. I'm a great pretender. When I was younger, I would pretend all sorts of things and get my sisters involved. Yeah, that's great, but God loves ME. He doesn't love what I pretend to be, he love MY heart and MY mind. He loves Lauren--not the facade that Lauren is putting forth.

I know I talked about this a little bit ago, but I think that sometimes I project a certain image of myself because I'm scared that people won't like the REAL me--or maybe I didn't even know who the real me was... Have I ever been just Lauren?

Am I putting so much time and energy into things that don't matter for the sake of ignoring my inner-self and what that might be?

Well, these past couple months, I have really been thinking about who "Lauren" is--the girl from Texas? The girl with a cute dog? The girl who has opinions in class? The girl who is studious? The girl who likes to go on walks? The girl who like Harry Potter? The girl who likes to read?

I can be all of those things, but most of all, I have realized that I'm Lauren, a girl who loves the Lord, a girl who is imperfect, a girl who is accepting what things are and accepting God's timing and situations.

My whole life I have been spiritually asleep, according to Jesus. I haven't been truly engaged in what God had in store for my life.

"The coming of the Son of Man can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. When he left home, he gave each of his slaves instructions about the work they were to do, and he told the gatekeeper to watch for his return. You, too, must keep watch! For you don't know when the master of the household will return—in the evening, at midnight, before dawn, or at daybreak. Don't let him find you sleeping when he arrives without warning. I say to you what I say to everyone: Watch for him!"
Mark 13:34-37


I most certainly have not been guarding the gate or keeping watch-- I have been tending to my own flowers, sleeping on a bed of wildflowers, and eating the fruit from the trees. I have not been protecting what is God's, nor have I been diligently seeking him. 


It takes courage to get beyond the facade portrayed--it takes strength and it takes a want-to. Reading these passages everyday is only furthering my resolve to truly be me... To truly and graciously be thankful for what God has given me. Time on this earth is temporary, but it's our hearts, our souls that last for eternity.


God bless,
Lauren

Day 64

I am so excited to go home in less than two weeks!

I have such great friends and family that I get to spend time with, Bella gets to come home with me, and I get a much needed break! Life is so good :)

So in Numbers we are going over the 12 tribes of Israel's offerings... Grain and blood seems to be a common theme. It reminded me of how in church we have been talking about Cain and Abel and one of the things we discussed was why Cain's offering was not pleasing to God. One of the theories is that blood offerings are better.

But I just really love all of the passages about Jesus' stories.

"But when these things begin to happen, watch out! You will be handed over to the courts and beaten in the synagogues. You will be accused before governors and kings of being my followers. This will be your opportunity to tell them about me. And the Good News must first be preached to every nation. But when you are arrested and stand trial, don't worry about what to say in your defense. Just say what God tells you to. Then it is not you who will be speaking, but the Holy Spirit. "Brother will betray brother to death, fathers will betray their own children, and children will rise against their parents and cause them to be killed. And everyone will hate you because of your allegiance to me. But those who endure to the end will be saved."
 Mark 13:9-13

Can you imagine what it's like to go through the absolute worst pain and trials in the world? I just can't thank God enough that we live in a country where we don't have to worry about proclaiming our faith. If we were in a country like, Afghanistan or something, being a Christian would mean death or torture or both for sure. 

We are beyond blessed to have freedom of speech and religion. I wonder what was going through the disciples minds' whenever they heard how they would be tortured for the name of Jesus. Jesus is probably the most controversial topic in the entire world, and that includes nuclear weapons. Jesus is the name that causes the most pain and suffering, the most dissent and anger, the most controversy within nations, states, and families. The will of God is something that is most sought after, and most fought about.

There are people that mislead others for the name of God (don't drink the kool-aide right?) and there are people that seek power and control in the name of Jesus. 

This is tough stuff--this is hard stuff. And for me, the more I learn about Jesus and who he was and what he said, the more I feel lucky and also a bit guilty. Here I am, with the opportunities that I have been given, and what am I doing with them? 

Jesus is seriously the way, the truth, and the life. No one can get to the Father except through him--and it's a privilege to live in a place where worshiping him is so encouraged and the "norm." 

Dying on the cross for ME, for an unworthy sinner; to give me opportunities, to give me LIFE! Ultimately, to be everything... That's what this whole book is all about! Everything is helping us understand what it means to be close to God--to know him, to love him, to worship him!

God bless,
Lauren 

Day 63

I wonder what the religious leaders really thought... Like, did they really think that Jesus was who he said he was and were seriously threatened by it? What happened to them after Jesus died? Did they get to Heaven?

You know, if a man came down, performed miracles like Jesus did, gave great teachings, was able to quote the old testament backwards and forwards, and had been doing this since a teenager, I would have to be a follower of him. I mean, it would honestly be terrifying, but the Jews knew the scriptures. They knew that a Messiah was going to come.

It's just very overwhelming to think about--especially because of modern technology. I know that sounds strange, but when someone is sick, they go to the hospital and with the advanced medicine we have here in America, they are generally healed.

Well, I know this is completely scattered, but that's kind of how my thoughts were. I keep thinking: "If Jesus came down to earth, would I know it was him? Or would I scorn him and try to crucify him like the Jews, his own people?"

It's totally different though. Because we believe in Jesus as Christians--his resurrection is the foundation of our faith. So it's hard to imagine a life without him.

What about those who are in tribal communities in Africa and have never heard God's word? Where do they go?

It's interesting to see though, that whenever missionaries go into these communities, a lot of them have similar stories to our Bible stories, and they believe in a great and omnipotent God. They call him a different name, and some of them are still polytheistic.

I also think of Native Americans who may have been exposed to Jesus a little bit, but they have never really heard about him. They keep in their traditions on their reservations.

I feel like as Christians we are so geared for helping the whole world--going to Africa, preaching the gospel, trying to save these "primitives" and lead them to Jesus that we kind of forget our own backyard. What about the Native Americans?

What about people in the inner-cities? Going to Africa is fantastic, I mean, I'm going there this summer, not for mission work per se, but I'm still going there; what about here? In our country?

I haven't really thought in depth about that before, but it would be amazing to see how many people actually don't even know who Jesus is in America, the supposedly Christian nation.

One more thing: I was really creeped out in the passage from numbers about how to test for an unfaithful wife... It reminded me of the witch hunts in England and the Salem Witch trials. It was a lose lose situation for her!

Okay, that's all :)

God bless,
Lauren

Day 62

"¹ This letter is from Simon Peter, a slave and apostle of Jesus Christ. I am writing to you who share the same precious faith we have. This faith was given to you because of the justice and fairness of Jesus Christ, our God and Savior.
 ² May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.
 ³ By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.
 ⁴ And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires."
2 Peter 1:1-4

There are just some things in life that we can't explain... Like our relationships with Jesus Christ. It takes a personal experience, connection, and a yearning to actually get to know God. You have to have the want-to in order to attain it.

I was talking to my mom last night after our Senior Night basketball game, and it really hit me that I have essentially one more year of college left here... I started really realizing last night that God brought me to KU for different reasons. I mean, so many amazing things have happened because I have been here. I have been given wonderful opportunities and have really solidified my life-goals. God has brought me hurt and pain, but that has made me a stronger and better person. I have better relationships with my friends and family, and I have really been able to grow in my faith journey on my own.

I have come to know Jesus personally, and I really have grown and matured as a young woman.

"When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away, but the godly have a lasting foundation."
Proverbs 10:25

I am just so incredibly blessed and thankful that I am doing what I do-living the life that I have been given. Sometimes it's hard--sometimes I get storms and winds and rains and my boat is definitely rocked... But I have this foundation that isn't shaken.

Do you ever have those moments where all of a sudden you realize that everything that has happened is a part of a greater plan that you could never have envisioned?

That's really what I was realizing last night. I am exactly where God wants me to be. I am doing what he wants from me, and I am really becoming aware of his design and will within my life.

I just praise God for our relationship and I am so sorry that I never wanted it earlier than I did.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 61

Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life because you knew in your gut that it was the right thing, but you had to wait?

Waiting. I hate it! I am one of the most impatient people in the world. When I want something, I go after it. When I need something, I would rather not wait to get it, I just go. When I want to talk to someone, it's right then, and if not, I get antsy.... Oh the struggles of character flaws.

I think that's why God has put some things in my life that I know that I have to wait for. For example, I know that I want to go into law. I love it, I can feel in my gut that's what God wants me to be doing... But I can't just be a lawyer right now... I have to finish undergrad, take the LSAT, apply to Law Schools, get into law school, pay for it, spend three years there, take the Bar exam, and then find a job... Whew. Just thinking about it all makes me a little bit anxious and impatient. But, I know that it will be well worth it.

There are things in my life that I want so desperately--Things that would seriously give me amazing satisfaction and increased happiness, but I can't have them right now. It's not the right time, not the right place, and not the right circumstances in my life for it to work. God is definitely telling me that. I just know that it would be a disaster if I tried to get it now.

And that's the frustrating part... Normally. But surprisingly, I have gotten such satisfaction from just waiting. I have been living for ME and doing things that I would only be able to do in this season of my life. I am serving in the best ways that I can, and just trusting God. And for once in my life, I am really not frustrated. Sure, I still want what I want... But I trust God and know that he will give me the desires of my heart if I just obey him!

Also, prayer. Prayer prayer prayer prayer prayer. I can't say it enough. It's something that I have never really done "religiously" (ha!) and something that I have been working on. I have found that praying, praying for things that I desire, talking to God about my struggles has helped me more than I can relate.

"²² Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. ²³ I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. ²⁴ I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours."
Mark 11:22-24

I have just really been giving God everything--and I have been so much more happy with my life! I'm more content while waiting, I am more understanding of seasons of waiting, I am better wanting to serve and live for God NOW. 

Prayer is just such an amazing thing!

God bless,
Lauren

Day 59

Today is my wonderful mother's 29th** birthday :) She is such an incredible woman of God and has raised me so well. She has selflessly given her life to raising her children and showing us how to live our life by example.

From the reading this morning, I thought about the man who told Jesus that he has lived a great life and wanted to follow him. When Jesus told him to sell all of his possessions and give them to the poor, he couldn't do it. I find it hard to imagine having a person tell me to sell everything to follow them. Well, not just a person, but Jesus.

It really is hard for those who value possessions to live selflessly more than those who have so little.

In my college and career group with church, we have been going through the Bible's history and establishing its credibility, and I just think it's so fascinating. I think it's incredible how there are so many FACTS that support all of the events in the Bible, letters that quote scripture before the Bible was even compiled, how Jesus quoted all of the Old Testament directly.... There are so many facts that point to the Bible's validity, so why don't more people believe it? I mean, it just makes sense!!

People have been trying so hard to disprove the Bible, they have tried to find inconsistencies and lies within the Bible, but they can't. If a book is so threatening to certain peoples' agendas, of course they will spend so much time questioning its credibility. The Bible has GOT to mean something if so many people hate it and try to discredit it!

These stories are incredible, its teachings are infallible, and yet there are still those people who resist.

I also hate how people use the Bible for evil purposes that just don't make sense. For example, using the Bible's stories to justify slavery of an "inferior" race. Making rationalizations that just don't make sense. This book is used to document our amazing Father, to show his unrelenting love for that he sent his son to DIE!

God gave us rules, he gave us promises and every promise has been fulfilled except for those that have yet to happen. It wasn't intended to be used to justify evil actions against humanity.

I am so happy :)

This was sort of a random post today... I have just been really excited about my study!