Every time I read of Jesus' betrayal, I feel sick to my stomach. Here I am, sitting in my nice apartment, drinking my coffee with my MacBook Pro in front of me, and Jesus is about to suffer and die on the cross so I can do this.
Do you ever feel just absolutely so ungrateful and so unworthy? Well, that's how I feel right this second. That's how I felt last night as well.
Bella and I went on our usual long walk in the evening, and everything was going great! I was listening to my Jesus jam, we were walking briskly, yeah, I was cold, but I could feel my legs getting a workout, when all of a sudden, a song that reminded me of the most painful time in my life came on as I was nearing my apartment.
I should have removed such songs from my iPhone, but I just never thought about it. Normally, I keep Pandora on or I have my Christian playlist up, but I decided last night to just shuffle all of my songs--and most of them were rocking worship, but then Adele interceded.
A flood of memories came back from that week--the hopelessness, the questioning, the pain, the hurt, the despair, the sadness, the complete lack of drive and motivation to carry on my duties.... Which then reminded me of how far I have come.
And then my reading this morning really reiterated that I have been on this long, painful, stressful, difficult journey that has led me to where I'm at:
"8 But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God.
I will always trust in God’s unfailing love.
9 I will praise you forever, O God,
for what you have done.
I will trust in your good name
in the presence of your faithful people."
God brought me out of that dark place. My mom helped me turn to God instead of turning to other, potentially destructive outlets for my pain. Jesus healed me. And for everything that he has done, I praise his name. He has gone above and beyond just healing my heart--he has given me a new heart, soul, and mind.
This is what having a relationship is all about! It's about turning to Him for healing, for protection, for guidance, for someone to talk to. I enjoy my walks in the evenings SO much because I get to spend just one-on-one time in the quiet of the night with my Creator. I get to look up at the stars and feel his love and presence over me every evening. When it rains, I feel him replenishing the earth as he replenished me. When the winds blow, I feel his spirit moving through the earth just as he has moved through me. When it's cold, I feel his stillness. When it's warm, I feel his love.
Sometimes I just can't help but smile. I may not have very much money, I may have some stress because of school, but I am the happiest I have absolutely ever been in my life. I have a richness of spirit that I have NEVER felt before, and I am living life to the absolute fullest!
God bless,
Lauren
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