Day 65

I have been working on my senior thesis with quite a fervor. It is starting to grow bigger than I ever imagined that it would, and it has taken a form that I didn't even think I wanted to go. It's quite revealing to God's design too, which I feel like I have lost. I really haven't ever understood his purpose for relationships--I really have never quite grasped what he was trying to tell me because I was so consumed with what the world said I should be doing.

I had a boyfriend for a long period of time, we did fun things together, we shared each others' secrets, our hearts, we talked to each other, and ultimately, I do believe that I idolized him in a sense and put our relationship before my relationship with God. I was doing all of the things with him that I should have been doing with Jesus... And it ended. God laid the burden on both of our hearts that our relationship wasn't right--it wasn't based in him truly, even though we said it was... We didn't do it God's way.

And honestly, I have never felt about myself the God has felt about me. I struggle with body image, I struggle with OCD about certain things, I struggle with putting things above my relationship with God, I struggle with being consumed by technology-- I use all of these things as a way to put God on the back-burner... Unknowingly, but sometimes knowingly.

I make excuses and I pretend sometimes. I'm a great pretender. When I was younger, I would pretend all sorts of things and get my sisters involved. Yeah, that's great, but God loves ME. He doesn't love what I pretend to be, he love MY heart and MY mind. He loves Lauren--not the facade that Lauren is putting forth.

I know I talked about this a little bit ago, but I think that sometimes I project a certain image of myself because I'm scared that people won't like the REAL me--or maybe I didn't even know who the real me was... Have I ever been just Lauren?

Am I putting so much time and energy into things that don't matter for the sake of ignoring my inner-self and what that might be?

Well, these past couple months, I have really been thinking about who "Lauren" is--the girl from Texas? The girl with a cute dog? The girl who has opinions in class? The girl who is studious? The girl who likes to go on walks? The girl who like Harry Potter? The girl who likes to read?

I can be all of those things, but most of all, I have realized that I'm Lauren, a girl who loves the Lord, a girl who is imperfect, a girl who is accepting what things are and accepting God's timing and situations.

My whole life I have been spiritually asleep, according to Jesus. I haven't been truly engaged in what God had in store for my life.

"The coming of the Son of Man can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. When he left home, he gave each of his slaves instructions about the work they were to do, and he told the gatekeeper to watch for his return. You, too, must keep watch! For you don't know when the master of the household will return—in the evening, at midnight, before dawn, or at daybreak. Don't let him find you sleeping when he arrives without warning. I say to you what I say to everyone: Watch for him!"
Mark 13:34-37


I most certainly have not been guarding the gate or keeping watch-- I have been tending to my own flowers, sleeping on a bed of wildflowers, and eating the fruit from the trees. I have not been protecting what is God's, nor have I been diligently seeking him. 


It takes courage to get beyond the facade portrayed--it takes strength and it takes a want-to. Reading these passages everyday is only furthering my resolve to truly be me... To truly and graciously be thankful for what God has given me. Time on this earth is temporary, but it's our hearts, our souls that last for eternity.


God bless,
Lauren