Day 58

Tomorrow I suppose I get a break! My Bible doesn't have "February 29th." I guess they don't make Leap Year bibles?

That's alright. I'll find something else to read to get me pumped :)

I got to thinking about a few things this morning while reading. I wish I had the faith that my dog does. She will follow me to the ends of the earth if I went there, she knows I'm coming back when I leave, she trusts me absolutely for her food and water and all of her needs, and she knows I'm going to love on her when she does well, and correct her when she does wrong. Now, maybe I'm giving Bella too much credit, but seriously, that's what I see in her. When she does what SHE wants, she doesn't get praise, reward, and gets scolded. When she obeys, she gets a nice big treat.

If I had that type of faith, a blind faith in where I follow Jesus wherever he goes, stop taking my life into my own hands and just rely on Jesus that he will provide my needs, give me love, affection, hope, and rewards... I think my life would be a lot more satisfying and I could just rest. Bella gets about 20 hours of rest a day, so she must be doing something right!!


One of the most meaningful passages for me this morning was from Mark 9:49-50:

"⁴⁹ “For everyone will be tested with fire.⁵⁰ Salt is good for seasoning. But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? You must have the qualities of salt among yourselves and live in peace with each other.”"

Now, I don't really know what the qualities of salt are, but I do know that I experience fire pretty much everyday. Some hotter than others, but nonetheless, it's tough. Sometimes I feel the smoke suffocating me and I don't know how to get out, sometimes I feel the flames in my heart burning me away... And the only way those get out is when I ask God to be my fireman and to relieve me. Let's just say, I look stupid trying to put out the fires myself. My tests are really tough, and I can't fight them alone. I need a Savior. I need a protector. I need a rescuer. Jesus is that. And I trust that he will deliver me... But what shall I do in the meantime? How do I fight the fires in my life? What instrument does he want me to use? Where do I go? 

I have never had great joy and peace than in these times right now, yet I still have questions, fears, discouragement--more than ever before. It's times like these where I just want to rise up and proclaim that Jesus is Lord! Why don't I?

God bless,
Lauren 

Day 57

You know, I have never really been a big award show person. I have always been so busy with other things that the Academy Awards just don't make a high priority list. Also, I haven't seen most of the movies that are up for awards (and now got them) anyways. I do like the Grammys because I'm a music person, so I'll watch those, but not so much movies/TV show awards.

I had such a fantastic time with my Dad while he was here. We got to enjoy church together yesterday, a wonderful movie, and lunch. We really don't have to do much to have fun. I know that I'm usually so busy, that staying home and just relaxing is fun to me! My dad is a homebody too, so that's probably where my sister and I get it from.

I was a little bit confused (and also frightened) when I read a part from Mark this morning....

"
 ²⁰ So they brought the boy. But when the evil spirit saw Jesus, it threw the child into a violent convulsion, and he fell to the ground, writhing and foaming at the mouth.
 ²¹ “How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father.
   He replied, “Since he was a little boy. ²² The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”
 ²³ “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”
 ²⁴ The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
 ²⁵ When Jesus saw that the crowd of onlookers was growing, he rebuked the evil spirit. “Listen, you spirit that makes this boy unable to hear and speak,” he said. “I command you to come out of this child and never enter him again!”
 ²⁶ Then the spirit screamed and threw the boy into another violent convulsion and left him. The boy appeared to be dead. A murmur ran through the crowd as people said, “He’s dead.” ²⁷ But Jesus took him by the hand and helped him to his feet, and he stood up.
 ²⁸ Afterward, when Jesus was alone in the house with his disciples, they asked him, “Why couldn’t we cast out that evil spirit?”
 ²⁹ Jesus replied, “This kind can be cast out only by prayer."

I really don't like to watch exorcist or demon movies. They scare me to my core because I truly believe that those things are real. I just can't handle them at all. This is one of the reasons why. Look at what this demon did to this poor little boy! Fires? Trying to kill him by drowning him?

But the part that frightens me the most is what Jesus ended with... "This kind can be cast out only by prayer."

What does this kind mean?
What prayers should we pray?
How does a person become possessed?
Why do demons possess people?
What if prayers don't work? 
Why did Jesus have trouble with this demon? Normally, when a demon just LOOKED at Jesus through it's host, it left, but this one taunted Jesus and his power... What does this mean???

So many questions, and honestly, my heart is a little bit uneasy. I hate being scared. I don't like going to haunted houses, I don't like most scary movies, I don't really like the whole concept of fright. It doesn't sit well with my nervous system. But demons, I just... It's terrifying. 

I saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose awhile ago, and just all of those voices that came out of this girl, all of the unnatural motions, all of the damage it did... And then I remember how my mom and I actually went online and listened to the recording of her exorcism. It's absolutely horrifying.


We have been talking in church a lot about the fall of man. We have been talking about sin and we recently have talked about Cain and Abel. We are going through the book of Genesis and really seeing how God set up our world. 


I just have so many questions about demonic beings. How do they become demons? What is their purpose? Where is God in all of this? How many people are truly possessed a year? How does it happen?


I know these are so many questions, but this is probably my weakest area of faith--is that of demonic presences. This isn't an issue that will make me become an atheist or anything, because I have felt God's love and presence in my life. I know that Jesus is my Lord and Savior and nothing can shake those things. But honestly, if you don't ask the hard questions, if you don't seek the answers, if you don't learn everything you can about what you believe, then how can your faith grow stronger? If you find answers to the tough questions, if you are able to find proof in the word that relieves your doubts, then in my opinion, your faith will grow that much stronger.


I know for me, it's not enough to just be satisfied with what I know and just accept the things I don't blindly. I need to constantly study, learn more, become immersed, do research, and learn not only things from the Bible, but historical things that the is backed up in the Bible as well. I'm not saying I'm wanting to be a religious scholar, no, but I do want the ability to be able to answer the tough questions, and to find peace with some things that I want to know as well.


God bless,
Lauren

Day 56

Let's just say yesterday was crazy, amazing, exciting.... One of the best days of my life. And you know what, you wouldn't think a basketball game would give you the thrill of a lifetime, but sure enough, it was probably the best and most memorable thing that has ever happened in my lifetime.

This morning, as I listen to my dog snoring in her bed, I'm reminded of how great our God is. Not because he gave my team the strength and power to win a basketball game yesterday, but because he gave me the life I live to enjoy it. He gave me the means to come to this school that I love, to bless me with the education I'm receiving, and to give me a love for my team and our traditions.

For those of you who have been reading, you know how lately I have been a little bit discouraged and feeling so unworthy... Well this Psalm today really was spot on.

"¹ As the deer longs for streams of water,
      so I long for you, O God.
 ² I thirst for God, the living God.
      When can I go and stand before him?
 ³ Day and night I have only tears for food,
      while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
      “Where is this God of yours?”
 ⁴ My heart is breaking
      as I remember how it used to be:
   I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
      leading a great procession to the house of God,
   singing for joy and giving thanks
      amid the sound of a great celebration!
 ⁵ Why am I discouraged?
      Why is my heart so sad?
   I will put my hope in God!
      I will praise him again—
      my Savior and ⁶ my God!
   Now I am deeply discouraged,
      but I will remember you—
   even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
      from the land of Mount Mizar.
 ⁷ I hear the tumult of the raging seas
      as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
 ⁸ But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,
      and through each night I sing his songs,
      praying to God who gives me life.
 ⁹ “O God my rock,” I cry,
      “Why have you forgotten me?
   Why must I wander around in grief,
      oppressed by my enemies?”
 ¹⁰ Their taunts break my bones.
      They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
 ¹¹ Why am I discouraged?
      Why is my heart so sad?
   I will put my hope in God!
      I will praise him again—
      my Savior and my God!"

That is just absolutely beautiful. This is exactly how I've been feeling. God is just spot on!

I really praise him and thank him for this life that he has given me, the opportunities and the love that he shows me everyday. I praise him when I'm feeling discouraged, and I praise him when I'm feeling great. And that is the beauty of relationship...

God bless,
Lauren

Day 55

Was anyone else disgusted when they read Leviticus and read all of the rules saying what not to have sexual relations with? Animals?? Really??

I guess in our society today, doing these things have become taboo. I mean, it's illegal to have sexual relations with anyone in your immediate family--incest. I'm glad we have a law that is backed up by the Bible. But my question is, were having these laws set really necessary?? How much of a problem WAS incest?

And also, why does it talk about "wives" multiple times? Like it's okay? Maybe I'll get there in the New Testament where I read that God wants us to be monogamous.

Do you ever have those feelings sometimes? Like, the more you read, the more you question? Not question in a doubting way, just questioning more in depth things. I really am appalled that people would have sexual relations with their brother or sister, but I guess back then, when the pickin's were slim and it wasn't viewed as abhorring, people did it!

Today for lunch for my dad and his friends from college, I'm making a roast, mashed potatoes, noodles, and green beans. And when I was at the store, I was just laughing out loud (getting some strange looks) when I picked up my roast and asked, "I wonder if this cow would have been used for a guilt offering, burnt offering, or sin offering..." My roommate stared at me like, "I didn't know a rump roast was so funny..." The little old lady in the power wheelchair cart next to me hit the high speeds away... Life can just be extremely joyful!

I had forgotten about that incident until whenever I read about all of the sex stuff, I was thinking, "You would need at least five oxen sacrificed for God to forgive that monstrosity."

Does anyone else have those moments? Where something happens in your life that you are able to equate with an event from the Bible, and it just makes you laugh?

Sometimes striving for a relationship with God makes me discourage and doubtful of my faith with him, but then he gives me reassurance--like my walk the other night and the whole store incident. I find more laughter, joy, peace, and encouragement with God than I do with anything else. I find a greater sense of courage within myself to accept things and do things when I'm right with God than when I do anything else.


In Mark, one of the stories was the women who begged to have Jesus cast out the demon from her daughter, and Jesus said that he must feed his children first, and the lady replied, "Even dogs under the table are allowed to eat the scraps..."

I know that I'm a child of God, but even if I was a dog (which I should be considering how much I sin and need to be reminded of my place), I would even love those scraps as much as I love the food that the Lord gives me.

I have really enjoyed my dad being here--we are a lot alike in temperament that's for sure. We just relaxed for the most part yesterday and watched TV lol. I cooked a lot, but otherwise, we just hung out! And I love doing that because usually I'm just go-go-go. I'm really glad that he was able to make the trip and his Christmas present was so worth it to see how happy he is.

We better win today!!

God bless,
Lauren

Day 54

" Jesus replied, "You hypocrites! Isaiah was prophesying about you when he said, 
'These people honor me with their lips, 
 but their hearts are far away. 
Their worship is a farce, 
for they replace God's commands with their own man-made teachings.' 
For you ignore God's specific laws and substitute your own traditions." Then he said, "You reject God's laws in order to hold on to your own traditions."
Mark 7:6-7

"It’s not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart." 
Mark 7:15

It's right there. What my heart does is everything. If I have bitter thoughts in my heart, then my actions will be bitter. If I praise God with my mind, but don't let my heart completely surrender, then I'm lying not only to myself, but to God.

We really do follow our own teachings and customs rather than God's. I mean, the example given in Mark is about the Law of Moses commanding that we respect our father and mother, but do we actually do it? I know I sure don't. There are times when I blatantly disrespect and disregard their teachings, and quite honestly, until I'm married, they are the authorities over my life.

There are laws that say it's okay to do certain things, when the Bible clearly states that those things go against God. I don't mean to step on anyone's toes, but looking at the word, certain things are absolutely clear. But then, there are some things that are completely ambiguous--and there is where we get different denominations within Christianity, the dissent over the little issues.


It's amazing how God just knows and cares for our hearts. He yearns for them and is a jealous God who will stop at nothing to pursue and be the Lord over your heart as well as soul. I would almost say that your heart and soul are synonymous, because what you feel is stemmed by your heart, and God clearly states that he wants it. Our lives come from our hearts, and our words and actions are dictated by our feelings.


I know that my heart isn't pure. I know that I still carry resentment and anger on things, and although I really try and ask God's forgiveness and deliverance from those things, I am not completely sincere. I'm pretending and putting out garbage. Why do I still harbor these negative feelings when I have an awesome God who will love me no matter what I do?


It's frustrating sometimes, because I want God to be there. I want God to know that my worship isn't just a farce and deliver me from my wicked ways, but sometimes he seems so far away. Sometimes I pray, and feel nothing. I know it's because my heart isn't in the right place and I know that I am just not putting my entire self into it.


God is COMMANDING me to not just honor me with my lips and walk around with the facade of a Christian. God is commanding me to LIVE my faith, and quite frankly, that's the hardest task I have ever undertaken.


I am just asking for STRENGTH and SINCERITY with my actions, words, and deeds! I'm pretty sure that Jesus was sincere in everything he did.


God bless,
Lauren
 

Day 53

I love going on walks. I have really bad knees, so running is out of the question, but walking is great. I could walk for miles and miles and just love it! Well, okay, maybe not miles and miles, but you get the picture.

Last night, I took my Bella out for a walk at night to wind down some energy before bed for her, and we walked for about an hour at a pretty brisk pace. Her cute little legs were moving so fast. But, as we started walking, of course, it began to drizzle and rain. But this is the funniest part about it- I was listening to the Jesus Culture song "Let it Rain." No joke. It was very powerful.

Lately, it's not like I have been feeling a relapse, but more along the lines of, a diminishing flame. I know that it was bound to happen, but going from spending and focusing so much of my time and energy on God and serving, to being so absorbed in school, activities, and working... It's definitely been a kill joy. I feel like I have needed a rejuvenation, some rest.

Raining, although it was kind of obnoxious because I was having a good hair day, really gave me some piece. It was a warm rain (despite it being February in Kansas), and just very soothing. It was amazing to just be listening to worship and having God deliver.

To have God calm me in my storms. To have him walk on water towards me and to have him remind me that he's there... That's such a powerful feeling.

I'm really glad that he wants me back. I'm so glad that he still cares.. Even a sinner like me, who everyday doesn't make the most of the moments that I have, who doesn't continually praise and thank God, who doesn't exemplify his love by every action and word that I have... Jesus died so that I can live, and what am I doing with my life?

I praise God for all my blessings, and all my struggles.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 52

"⁴ “LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
      Remind me that my days are numbered—
      how fleeting my life is.
 ⁵ You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
      My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
      at best, each of us is but a breath.”
                         Interlude

 ⁶ We are merely moving shadows,
      and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
   We heap up wealth,
      not knowing who will spend it.
 ⁷ And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
      My only hope is in you."
Psalm 39:4-7

I think that we all get caught up in this life. We focus on the 80 years we might be on this earth, how to please ourselves now, how to make this most of this life. Right now, I focus on how to get the best grades, how to establish connections with professors, how to get a career.

"All our busy rushing ends in nothing." That's pretty powerful. I mean, what am I doing with my life? I was amazed the other day that it's already the end of February and that my Spring Break is less than a month away. I was amazed at how much time passed me by. I'm also amazed at my whole college experience--how quickly it has come and is almost over. I feel like I'm just a bystander in my life--focusing on things that don't give me gratification 100% of the time. I feel like the agency within my life is being taken away by all that I "have to" do.

Why isn't my only hope in the Lord? "My entire lifetime is just a moment"; a moment that has been passing me by. A moment that I haven't appreciated and taken to the fullest. A moment that I don't treasure and a moment that I don't make sure matters.

Do these moments matter in life? Absolutely they do! David says that we are "a traveler passing through" this life. So make the most of the path! Make the most of the scenery! That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying not to focus so much on the destination, rather than making each step of the journey count.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 51

My doggie has been sick :( She got sick from the other dog that my roommates have. Their puppies--it was bound to happen. So we went to the animal hospital this morning and she got all fixed up. I tell you though, she is a trooper! And she is weird... When we got back this morning, she went into her kennel, and got out every single toy one by one and would play with them for like 10 seconds and move one, then would start each toy over again. Then she would take each toy back to her kennel, lay down for about 20 seconds and start the whole thing over again. She is so silly!

I read again this morning how Jesus raised that girl from the dead, and you know what? I feel like he raised me from the dead, too. For a long time, I had lost my way. I was drowning in my own selfishness and anger. Yes, I may have been a Christian, and I may have loved God, but I didn't have a relationship with him.

Relationships take work--they take sacrifice, communication, respect, and passion. They take an understanding, they take a love, they take courage and strength. They encourage one another and bring out the best. That is what God is doing for me. He is helping me to overcome some character flaws. He is giving me new life through him.

"I am on the verge of collapse, facing constant pain. But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done." Psalm 38:17-18

Jesus gave hope to the helpless, gave strength to the weak, gave wisdom for those who sought, and answered those who cried out for him.

I am so blessed to be a child of God, and I am so blessed to be pursuing my relationship daily with our Father. But it's hard. I know that I can be a disappointment. I know that I hurt him, and that I don't do everything to make our relationship glorious. But I recognize my flaws and I recognize things that I need to do to overcome them. It's all through Jesus.

"The wise are glad to be instructed, but babbling fools fall flat on their faces."
Proverbs 10:8

I hope that I'm not a babbling fool.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 50

It's amazing how fast your life can change. Everything you've known, everything you have planned and counted on--gone. I have had that happen to me, and I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to God and my life has been so incredible since then. That doesn't mean I walk on cloud 9 everyday, but it does mean that I'm really learning to let go and let God take control. It's a process, a battle really. A battle to surrender myself and what I think, for an even greater plan and purpose.

I am still hurt, still angry, still confused sometimes. I think that's something as humans we just can't overcome. But I know that there is a higher purpose for my life. I know that God is going to use me through my career, my friendships, my interactions, my place in life for his purpose.

One of my very best friends is going through what I went through a few months ago. And I feel for her. I am praying for her, because life is the hardest thing we will go through. And as Christians, we have the near impossible task of surrendering our will for God's will. We have the mission to live for something greater than ourselves. I know that my friend will be okay, and I know the other side of where she is at... It's just about getting through the storm and trusting that God will calm the seas.

My passages from today (besides Leviticus in the old testament talking about the guilt offerings, peace offerings, and other sacrifices made through blood) was in Mark. The same stories as in Matthew, about the seeds, the mustard seed, and the storm. All about faith and the relationships we have with God.

I had read these stories before, but it's always reinforcement. We need the constant reminder of what God wants us to do. We need reassurance of our purpose... Or at least I do.

Even though these stories were familiar, it's comforting to know that I am so loved. It's comforting to know that God is trying to send me messages everyday, like having the faith of a mustard seed. It's comforting to know that through there are storms and hardships, God will calm them.

"The LORD rescues the godly;
      he is their fortress in times of trouble.
 The LORD helps them,
      rescuing them from the wicked.
   He saves them,
      and they find shelter in him."
Psalm 37:39-40

It's a tough, tough thing sometimes to follow the will of God versus your own. I have been there, and I'm still there. Everyday. I know that my best friend will pull through and be okay. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for her, because I've been there and have seen it myself. I'm still in a tunnel, and I think I will always be, but there is hope and comfort for those who believe.

God bless,
Lauren 

Day 47

Wow, I have committed to blogging everyday, and this past week, even though I have read, I have missed blogging twice! There is no excuse. I should have made this a priority and I should have just woken up early.

I am finally getting over my illness! Yay! And my doggie is finally crate trained! This past week has been... rough. She really really loves me, just unconditionally. And she's social. So whenever she is left alone, she has been whining and crying and just throwing a fit.

I really didn't do enough research on crate training before I started doing it. The first night, I just put her in her crate with a blanket, a shirt I had worn, and a few toys and just was expecting to let her whine until she fell asleep and I could just drown her out with my earplugs.

Well, that didn't work. Even after I gave her some benadryl, she was just hysterical for over 2 hours. I just couldn't take it anymore so I let her sleep with me in her bed next to me. The next few night, I just put her out in the living room and just let her cry it out, and I couldn't hear her, but she cried all night...

What I was doing during the day was introducing her to her crate-- I was putting treats in there, praising her for going in, letting her be in there when I was home and right there, I did some exercises where I would leave for a few seconds, then come back before she would cry, then I started increasing the time.

I made sure to always ignore her when she whined and barked and cried even when out of her crate so she would know that the behavior she was exhibiting wasn't going to get her any attention. She was really getting better. I finally last night, after a week, moved her crate into my room. About 30 minutes before I went to bed, I put her in there and went out to the living room to finish a movie, and she whined for a couple of minutes then quit. When I went in there to go to bed, she was asleep and didn't cry at all when I went to my bed and turned off the light.

She slept through the whole night and at 9:20 this morning when I was going to take her out to go potty and go for a walk, she didn't want to get out! She was laying down and rolled over and went farther into her crate when I said, "Let's go potty, Bella."

Success!

It really got me thinking though... I had to introduce her slowly to this. When I tried to shove her in a new environment--force her to do what I wanted, it was a disaster and a failure and made us all miserable.

Another thing I have learned from Bella is that dogs (and most people) live in the moment. So when they do something you don't want them to, and you stay mad about it, it confuses and hurts them. I have had to learn to get over it when she has whined and whined for a long time and not be mad at her. Or when we go outside, and she just flat out won't go to the bathroom and will sit in the grass for 10 minutes, I can't stay mad at her.

I can't stay upset when she doesn't do things my way, I can't stay upset when she goes off and does her own thing, I can't get jealous when she is giving other people attention because I will set her up for failure.

When I want to minister to someone, I can't expect them to accept God right away, I can't expect them to stay straight in their faith walk, because I'm not like that either. I mean, when I do things wrong, what if the people I have wronged never got over it?

It's a really hard thing to have disappointed someone so much and never have them get over it and move on. It has happened to me to someone I cared about very dearly. And it was my fault, too. I had done someone horrible and I had not been exampling my relationship with God with this person. I had hurt them and betrayed them, and I really honestly didn't mean to. But I tried so hard to please them and set things right, and it has never worked.

I think about it a lot, and I have asked forgiveness from God for what I have done. And that's all I can do anymore.

The Psalm for today was Psalm 37:1-11
"¹ Don’t worry about the wicked
      or envy those who do wrong.
 ² For like grass, they soon fade away.
      Like spring flowers, they soon wither.
 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good.
      Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
 ⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
      and he will give you your heart’s desires.
 ⁵ Commit everything you do to the LORD.
      Trust him, and he will help you.
 ⁶ He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
      and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
 ⁷ Be still in the presence of the LORD,
      and wait patiently for him to act.
   Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
      or fret about their wicked schemes.
 ⁸ Stop being angry!
      Turn from your rage!
   Do not lose your temper—
      it only leads to harm.
 ⁹ For the wicked will be destroyed,
      but those who trust in the LORD will possess the land.
 ¹⁰ Soon the wicked will disappear.
      Though you look for them, they will be gone.
 ¹¹ The lowly will possess the land
      and will live in peace and prosperity"

I was wicked, and I did wither. I still am wicked, and when I'm not trusting God, my life is literally a living hell. At least when I am trusting God and trying to live right, I have peace about rough situations, but when I'm not, I really do wither and die.

I really think that dogs and people aren't so different after all...

God bless,
Lauren

Day 46

I am still very sick... I think I need to go back to the doctor because now I've developed a deep chested cough that kind of hurts and I'm still stopped up with fever off and on... But I have to go to school. At this stage, I can't afford to skip any days.

Today I finished up Exodus and began Mark. I think it's interesting to see events from different peoples' perspective, so I am really enjoying the New Testament. If you have ever seen movies like Vantage Point that tells the same story from different views, that's what is going on in my opinion. And it's always interesting to see how people recognize different things of importance.

To be honest though, I'm glad I'm done with Exodus. It was pretty boring for the last stretch of it. I really honestly feel horrible for saying that- does anyone else feel that way about certain books? Do you think God's okay with it?

This is one of the reasons I know I couldn't be a Pastor--I'm not enthralled and engaged by every book of the Bible. But this is one of the reasons I know that I need to continue to read, study, and pray. I need to know ALL of the Word, not just the interesting parts. God is giving an instruction that is relevant and he wouldn't have included that part of the book if it wasn't necessary.

I really believe that everything happens for a purpose and at the right time. I know that God does things in our lives, that may even be boring, so we can learn to better ourselves for Him and we can learn to accept the good with the bad. I know that for me, sometimes whenever things are just going--they aren't super great and they aren't super terrible--I have a hard time showing praise and thanks. I just "forget." I get so distracted with things I need to do and there isn't anything looming on my mind, that I put my prayers on the back burner.

Maybe God is trying to tell me, through the parts of the Bible I call "boring" that I just need to accept what is and praise Him. Maybe He's trying to tell me that even in the middle, I should give thanks that he is God.

I don't constantly need to be entertained with a story, don't need to constantly be amazed by the miracles, because in my life, that's not how things are. Things in my life aren't spectacular and wonderful--they just are. They just flow and I need to appreciate those times as well.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 45

I have been very sick with the flu... So I didn't read yesterday, but I read both days today.

I am really glad that I have been doing this. I have learned a lot, for example, how to build a tabernacle. If I ever wanted to build a tabernacle like the one from Exodus, that's half of that book--is the instructions.

I really got bored when reading all this. I'll say it. And I can't tell if I really processed all of the dimensions and the gold rings. I wonder why it is so important that every dimension for the tabernacle--all the requirements--be put into the Bible. How is it relevant? I mean, I feel terrible for saying that, but it was rough getting through it.

But that may just be a fault in mine. I always have this need to be entertained. I think that's most people. Whenever I get something new, I usually discard the instruction manual.

Maybe they actually have something important to say?? Hmm...

Day 43

I am sick :( Sore and swollen throat, congestion, ear infection... It's all the cold and the wind, I know it.

Moses' face was radiant whenever he came down from Mount Sinai after spending 40 days and 40 nights with God rewriting the stone tablets that he destroyed. He was so radiant with God that people were afraid to look at him--they feared him. I think it's pretty powerful when you are so, so in the Word and presence of God that people notice, they put attention on you based on your actions and countenance.

I am pretty sure that when people look at me, they don't see the radiance of God. I think, personally, that very few have that connection and radiance, but when you see someone who is just in tune with God, you can tell.

I know someone who is like that--you just look at them and know that they have the joy of the Lord in their heart. In everything that this person does, you can just see it's a little bit different from everyone else.

That's something I want. I strive for. I feel like I need. I need to have a countenance that expresses God's works in my life. I need to have an attitude of bliss and joy. I need to just have a relationship with God that is expressed in everything that I do.

In Matthew, it was the passage today about choosing Barrabas to be freed over Jesus, and then him getting completely mocked, scorned, and tortured. I almost feel bad for Pilot. I really don't think that he wanted to do what he did. I don't think he knew it was right and he knew there was something about Jesus that was different. But he didn't stop it either. Yeah, he may have washed his hands of the blood and responsibility in his mind, but he really didn't. He should have said "No." He should have put his foot down and stood up for what was right. But it was all in God's plan... Jesus had to die and Pilot was just an instrument used for a divine purpose.

In all reality, I kind of feel like Pilot sometimes. I guess I just feel like every sinner in the Bible who isn't gung-ho like Moses, Abraham, Jacob, Isaac and the like. I am Judas. I am the Pharisees. I am Pilot. I am Peter. I am all of those people whom Jesus died for. I am what Jesus died for.

Their struggles are still our struggles. Their worries are still our worries. Their faith journey is still one that we all have to take...

With Pilot, he may not have been "directly responsible" because it was the peoples' choice, but he should have stood up. For me, there are people who I know I should continue to forgive, continue a relationship, continue to save... But I use the excuse "a person has to want to... I've done everything I can." Well, no, I haven't. If I had, that person would be saved, that person would know God, that person would know people don't give up on them just when the going has been rough.

I pretend to wipe my hands clean, when Jesus never gives up on us. Jesus always forgives us. Jesus always will be there. Jesus won't stop until we are his... Why can't I? It's a hard thing to be of human standards and not of God's.

But if we didn't struggle, there would be no need for Jesus...

God bless,
Lauren

Day 42

My sister is here and I am absolutely so blessed. We have had so much fun! We were talking yesterday in the car, and she said that it was strange that I knew a place so well that wasn't "home." I got to thinking that whenever I talk about my apartment, I call it "home." I call Lawrence "home" and I really love being here! Whenever I talk about my house in South Shore, I call it "my parents' house," which is weird! A year ago, I never would have thought I would think this way.

I think it has really hit me that I'm an adult, a big girl. I don't have to ask my parents to go somewhere, do something, or buy something that I want. But whenever I'm at their house, I do. I ask them if it's alright that I go places, hang out with certain people, or have people over. Here, I just do it.

We grow up. That's plain and simple. I look at my sister who will be 15 next week, and I can't even believe it.  I still think that she's like 6 in my mind and I have to tell her to run the ice cream scoop under hot water before getting ice cream into her bowl, or don't have soda because we already had cokes that day... I still want to take care of her... I always will because she's my baby sister.

She doesn't need me to take care of her anymore, she needs me to just be there as an older sister, listen to her, give her advice, and just have a relationship with one another.

I kind of feel like my relationship with Jesus is that way. When we are very young in our walk of faith, he literally takes care of us... Shapes us into the people he wants us to be and tells us how to do things. He gives us rules and instructions and we know the punishments for our sins.

But there comes a certain point where we know what we should be doing, where we have lived our lives long enough with Jesus that we know what he wants from us and how to do it. He is there for advice, for guidance, for an ear when we need someone to talk to... We have more of a relationship.

I have seriously enjoyed the time I have had with Rachel. She is growing into such an amazing young woman and I am so proud to see the wonderful lady she is.

God bless,
Lauren

Day 41

Today's reading was absolutely beautiful from Psalms.

"¹ Oh, what joy for those
      whose disobedience is forgiven,
      whose sin is put out of sight!
 ² Yes, what joy for those
      whose record the LORD has cleared of guilt,
      whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
 ³ When I refused to confess my sin,
      my body wasted away,
      and I groaned all day long.
 ⁴ Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
      My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
                         Interlude

 ⁵ Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
      and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
   I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.”
      And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
                         Interlude

 ⁶ Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
      that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
 ⁷ For you are my hiding place;
      you protect me from trouble.
      You surround me with songs of victory.
                         Interlude

 ⁸ The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
      I will advise you and watch over you.
 ⁹ Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
      that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”
 ¹⁰ Many sorrows come to the wicked,
      but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the LORD.
 ¹¹ So rejoice in the LORD and be glad, all you who obey him!
      Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!"

I just can't even put to words my feelings when I read that. I read it twice. I am definitely going to work on memorizing that scripture. I really have been struggling with feeling guilt everyday for things that I have done. Even miniscule things... Things that on the grand scheme of things don't really matter... But they matter to God. God looks at all sins equally. So whether I gossiped about someone or whether a man murdered his wife, God treats it all as sin and will deal with it accordingly.

I mean being a Christian is probably one of the hardest and most frustrating things. You work so hard to have the best life. You work everyday to be a servant... I kind of feel like a hypocrite of sorts sometimes. But God doesn't want us to lie to ourselves, he doesn't want us to feel guilty, he doesn't want us to feel weighed down by our sins. He doesn't want us to struggle in which path to go, because he relieves all of it!

We just have to open our hearts and let him. I know that I have difficulties in letting things go, but the great part about God is that once he forgives, he forgets. It's just a matter of letting ourselves forget as well, but also learn. If that makes any sense...

I really am so thankful to know God... I am so thankful that He is the Lord of my life, but I just really need to get with the program and stop being so guilty!!

Thank you Father!

God bless,
Lauren

Day 40

The day 40 is certainly significant.. I also think it's significant that on the 40th day of reading, I read of the betrayal by Judas.

It honestly hurts my heart.. For 30 pieces of silver?? Like did he not know what was going to happen?

There is a song by Sidewalk Prophets that kind of sums up everything in my opinion...

"I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway"

I am Judas... I am the betrayer. Everyday I disobey Jesus, everyday I fall asleep when he tells me to keep guard, everyday that I don't walk with Jesus, everyday that I don't proclaim myself a follower, everyday I don't try and save or help one person.

That's really a harsh reality for me. I would like to think I'm a good Christian, that I truly live my life for Jesus, but didn't Judas? Judas and I are not so different. Judas betrayed God, and then pretended he was abhorred when Jesus said that someone would betray him. He ate at the Lord's table, walked with the people of God, yet... He was a sell-out.

I feel like that, honestly. I feel like no matter how hard I try, there is always something that gets in the way of my relationship with God--whether that be pride, selfishness, a persona, guilt... Everything. I mean, I struggle so much to work on my personal relationship, but I am always a sinner.

That's the wonderful thing about grace. That's the amazing work of God. He took our punishment, and the punishment we still deserve. He took rebuke, dirt, and suffering for us. He knows that I want a relationship, he knows that I suffer just as much as everyone else from attacks by the enemy, but this is exactly why he died.

In my own world, I would like to think that Jesus understands my pain and would much rather i put my struggles and fears and worries and trials and questions with him than pretend like they don't exist. I think he would rather me acknowledge my weaknesses and try to redeem myself through him than pretending that everything is okay and I'm just letting life pass me by... I don't know. I would love for that to be true, and it is in my life.

By acknowledging my weaknesses, asking questions, leaning on Jesus for my struggles, I know that I'm trying to do right--I know that I have a passion for this and I care. Because if I didn't care, then I wouldn't be trying to read and live his word and writing about it.

I just have to keep praying. I have to keep trying to get a greater personal relationship. I have to keep working for myself...

But he loves us no matter what.

God Bless,
Lauren

Day 39

"³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. ³⁶ I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
 ³⁷ “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? ³⁹ When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
 ⁴⁰ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,you were doing it to me!’"
-Matthew 25:34-40

 Well, I definitely don't clothe, feed, or take in the needy. I'm selfish. I tell you that much. And what did Jesus say to those who are like me?

"⁴¹ “Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. ⁴² For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. ⁴³ I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’
 ⁴⁴ “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’
 ⁴⁵ “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’
 ⁴⁶ “And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”"

I really don't want to go to the eternal fires of Hell with the devil's demons... I really don't. And in my heart I pray for people who are in need. I think about them. I want to help... But I really just don't have the time. But did Jesus say, "Well, I'd like to die on the cross for your sins, but I'm too busy with my own life healing people and stuff..."

No, he just did it. No questions, no complaining, no bitter spirit... Everything out of love for all of us. Jesus said that the second greatest commandment was the love our neighbor as ourselves. But in all reality, that's hard. I don't do that. I tell myself I'll get around to it, but I just get caught up with other things. Now, schoolwork and work are trivial compared to the miracles that Jesus was performing, so I don't mean to equate my life with that, but I am saying that I'm a busy college-student who is super involved and has a ridiculous schedule. 

For example, I have been so busy this past week writing two papers, handing in a research proposal, making a ten-minute teaching presentation over rough material, reading two books, reading two Shakespeare plays,  translating Latin poetry, and reading about 200 pages of other material... So I didn't have the time to read a book for a quiz due today until yesterday, or write a paper that's due today until... today....

Scratch that--I did have time, but I chose to watch the Superbowl, and I chose to sleep.... 

Alright, so we all use our time for certain things. I use it to sleep, clean, work, and do schoolwork... But I need to make service to God another priority. If I'm not going out into the world and being the best person I can be for the Lord, if I'm a recluse and stay cooped up in my apartment reading and writing, what good am I? What instrument for the Lord am I being? Sure, I may get good grades (my obsession), but I wouldn't have the opportunity to even go to college without God. I wouldn't have the mind, the drive, or the perseverance without the Lord. 

I really need to get my butt in gear and start doin' work for God's Kingdom... Because what are these earthly honors anyways? Nothing.

God bless,
Lauren 
 

Day 38

You know another thing I have a seriously hard time with? I have a very hard time doing everything joyfully for the Lord. Sometimes I have a really hard time scrubbing dishes, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning up after others... The list goes on of things that I really get tired of.

"Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless."
-Philippians 2:14-16


There are many times that I have read in the word to do everything unto the Lord. To be glad in all that you do. To put all your faith in him and go about your work with gladness. The list goes on... And it's a rude awakening for someone like me who wants everyone to divide up work equally, to slack off sometimes, to just sit on my butt and watch a Disney movie... There are many things I would like to do rather than things that I have to do. That's especially true today. I just don't feel like taking care of things in my house that need to be done. I don't feel like cleaning up the living room, hunting down where all of my forks went, cleaning the baseboards, doing a load of dishes. I don't feel like doing my homework or anything. I would just honestly like to curl up with a good book and forget about the worries of this world for a day or two.


I guess the feeling is overwhelmed. It's hard for me to balance being a house-student and a college-student. I have all the responsibilities of having my own place, yet I have all the responsibilities of a college student. And I feel like if I spend too much time doing one thing, another thing gets put aside which is equally important.


The passage from Matthew today gave the parable of the man who trusted bags of silver to his servants. Right now, I'm taking that as being an analogy for time. The man who was given 5 bags of silver invested his time well, he worked hard, and he did his duties with gladness and hopefulness. He doubled his return and pleased the master. By investing the time and energy he did, he really reaped his reward. Same with the second servant who was only given two bags of silver. He doubled his rewards as well. The man who was given only one bag of silver did nothing with it. He protected it out of fear. He didn't take chances. He didn't invest his time or energy well. And he paid for it. You get what you put in, and he got laziness and the fruits of his spirit and reward didn't multiply.


"To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away."
-Matthew 29:25

I know that I really need to use my time wisely, to honor God with my actions, and sow many seeds--whether that be housework or schoolwork. The rewards of my "work" in general will multiply, I know it. I know that I need to stop complaining about things that I must do.. Even in my heart. I mean, this morning, all I did while putting my dinner in the crockpot was complain about all of the work I had to do and everything that I still had to do. All I did was become bitter and resentful through my thoughts--thinking about how I am just going to be stubborn and not do anything that needs to be done. I was NOT going to take out the trash, or do the dishes, or wipe off the counters, or pick up the mess in the living room, or anything. "It's not my responsibility," as I was saying in my head.

Well guess what... It is my responsibility. God has made that perfectly clear this morning. Definitely giving the Matthew passage to me this morning was what God was trying to tell me. God have given me five bags of silver, and what I do with that is up to me. But if I want to be praised by my master, if I want to reap the rewards that he offers, then it's up to me to invest it wisely. 

"If you do not serve the LORD your God with joy and enthusiasm for the abundant benefits you have received, you will serve your enemies whom the LORD will send against you. You will be left hungry, thirsty, naked, and lacking in everything. The LORD will put an iron yoke on your neck, oppressing you harshly until he has destroyed you. "
-Deuteronomy 28:47-48


There it is. You can't argue with God's word.


I suppose now I need to work on the thoughts that give me those feelings of bitterness and work on changing my heart..


God bless,
Lauren

Day 37

First off, I would like to apologize to anyone that I may have offended with this blog.

Last night, I was needfully humbled. I am so thankful to have such great and subjective spiritual leaders, but it hurts when you hear something that you know in your gut.

I meant for this blog to be a testament to MY faith journey and MY readings everyday, but somewhere along the way (even though it's been short), I have lost sight of what I originally set out to do. I have gotten caught up in the excitement of God's word that I have abandoned my original intent and have become preachy.

I really do write what comes to mind, I just basically free flow and go with it. And yes, things that I have said may be good and awesome, but we all get enough sermons in our lifetime and this blog does not need to be another one. I truly do apologize.

Yet again, perfect example of what happens when we stop making things about God and get caught up with ourselves. I know that is one of my biggest struggles with ANYTHING I do... I lose my motive, I forget my purpose, and sometimes, although I say I'm centering God in my actions and decisions, I don't. I center myself and how I will appear to others.

I heard this great analogy and I must share it (paraphrased)-- "God wants to know our hearts.. Our true hearts... Not the one that we clothe with different appearances and personae. He doesn't want to know the evangelist you or the minister you, he wants to know just you. He wants to know you naked-not what you clothe yourself with."

And I think that is absolutely perfect for what I've been doing. I've been trying out different "personae" to see which one best fits my life, to see what I would be most happy with doing, to see where I can see my true self, rather than just letting God take the reins and lead me. I try and different outfits and say, "Is this how you want me to look God?" Rather than God picking out my dress and saying, "You will wear this and look good :)"

I don't know if that even makes any sense, but I really am sorry for the front I've been putting up, and my loss of focus with my posts.

In today's reading, what struck me the most was how Moses got to chill on the mountain with God on his journey to the promise land quite often. Being in the presence of God! And every time Moses came back with God's command, the people were astounded and said, "We will do everything the Lord has commanded. We will obey."

Looking back, we know that they didn't. And I am so bad about this. I really and truly everyday am like, "God, I'm going to do everything you have commanded. I will obey." But when it comes down to it, am I? No. I'm not. I may be going through the motions, but in my heart I know that it's all for the sake of vanity. God, I am so desperate to actually follow your command!!

In Matthew, Jesus talked of his return...
"⁴² “So you, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know what day your Lord is coming. ⁴³ Understand this: If a homeowner knew exactly when a burglar was coming, he would keep watch and not permit his house to be broken into. ⁴⁴ You also must be ready all the time, for the Son of Man will come when least expected.
 ⁴⁵ “A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. ⁴⁶ If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward. ⁴⁷ I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns. ⁴⁸ But what if the servant is evil and thinks, ‘My master won’t be back for a while,’ ⁴⁹ and he begins beating the other servants, partying, and getting drunk? ⁵⁰ The master will return unannounced and unexpected, ⁵¹ and he will cut the servant to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
Matthew 24:42-51

I don't know when the Lord is coming, and I'm trying to keep myself ready, keep my soul protected. But sometimes, my battery goes out on my alarm system, and even though there is a reminder (God) that keeps beeping at me, I ignore it and put in my earplugs. God wants me to join him in the Kingdom of Heaven and I am just a stupid human consumed in sin. I am not a "faithful, sensible servant" to whom the master can trust his field with. I'm a horrible sinner and I fall short of the glory of God everyday. 

I know that it's God's grace that saves us all. I know that Jesus didn't die for nothing... He died because he loves us so much. But I'm a hypocrite. I don't honor him everyday in my heart with my actions. Subconsciously, I do things to put glory on myself. I don't mean to, and I try hard not to, and I have the best intentions. But if you intend to not change the batteries in your alarm system to your house and never do it, then if you're robbed, it's your own fault... You didn't do the preparation, you didn't guard your house with diligence, you didn't take the step to secure yourself. 

I need to get around to changing my batteries in my alarm. I have just GOT to examine my motives for everything. I have GOT to truly have this close relationship with God and stop putting on this front! I'm tired of it! I think that I'm doing right, when I'm not. I try to do good, and I sin. It's my curse that I'm plagued with. It's a battle that I'm constantly fighting. 

Today's Psalm was a reflection definitely of how I'm feeling right now:
"⁶ When I was prosperous, I said,
      “Nothing can stop me now!”
 ⁷ Your favor, O LORD, made me as secure as a mountain.
      Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.
 ⁸ I cried out to you, O LORD.
      I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
 ⁹ “What will you gain if I die,
      if I sink into the grave?
   Can my dust praise you?
      Can it tell of your faithfulness?
 ¹⁰ Hear me, LORD, and have mercy on me.
      Help me, O LORD.”"
Psalm 30:6-10

Lord, please help me. I'm desperate to be your servant. I'm desperate to be faithful to you. I'm desperate to continue my relationship with you. I'm begging you to make YOU the center of everything I do. Please forgive my stupidity and sinfulness. Please, God...
 

Day 36

Happy Superbowl Sunday!

If the Giants don't win today, my house will be a solemn house because 3 of my roomies are Giants fans. I personally don't really care. I am not a huge pro-sports fan. I was cheering for the Texans because they are the hometown team, but I'm not going to go out and buy a jersey or anything.

KU Basketball and college football are a different story. Near obsession if you would be so bold.

I have been at the part in the Bible where God has been laying out all of his laws and expectations for the people of Israel. I'm not going to say it's rough getting through, but I have caught my mind wandering more than when I was reading of Moses or Isaac or Abraham. I understand though the importance of knowing God's expectations and these rules really exemplify his high standards for us. He gave them rules of society that they followed without question. We have rules of society has well, but I think that many people disregard them as dated. Let me tell you, the Bible is timeless.

I'm going to keep this post short today because it's Sunday and I have to feed my brothers and sisters breakfast before we go to church, but I just want to say that the Proverbs passage really took me aback.

Proverbs 7:6-23
"⁶ While I was at the window of my house,
      looking through the curtain,
 ⁷ I saw some naive young men,
      and one in particular who lacked common sense.
 ⁸ He was crossing the street near the house of an immoral woman,
      strolling down the path by her house.
 ⁹ It was at twilight, in the evening,
      as deep darkness fell.
 ¹⁰ The woman approached him,
      seductively dressed and sly of heart.
 ¹¹ She was the brash, rebellious type,
      never content to stay at home.
 ¹² She is often in the streets and markets,
      soliciting at every corner.
 ¹³ She threw her arms around him and kissed him,
      and with a brazen look she said,
 ¹⁴ “I’ve just made my peace offerings
      and fulfilled my vows.
 ¹⁵ You’re the one I was looking for!
      I came out to find you, and here you are!
 ¹⁶ My bed is spread with beautiful blankets,
      with colored sheets of Egyptian linen.
 ¹⁷ I’ve perfumed my bed
      with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
 ¹⁸ Come, let’s drink our fill of love until morning.
      Let’s enjoy each other’s caresses,
 ¹⁹ for my husband is not home.
      He’s away on a long trip.
 ²⁰ He has taken a wallet full of money with him
      and won’t return until later this month.”
 ²¹ So she seduced him with her pretty speech
      and enticed him with her flattery.
 ²² He followed her at once,
      like an ox going to the slaughter.
   He was like a stag caught in a trap,
    ²³ awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart.
   He was like a bird flying into a snare,
      little knowing it would cost him his life."

There is a very clear description here of what God has deemed immoral.
1. "seductively dressed and sly of heart"
2. "brash"
3. "rebellious"
4. "never content to stay at home"
6. "soliciting at ever corner"
7. "kissed"
8. "brazen look"
9. "seduced him with pretty speech"
10. "enticed him with her flattery"

What's the penalty?
1. "cost him his life"

I'm not going to go VERY in depth with this because this is going to be apart of my book, but God's design for men and women is clearly defied here. This is one of hundreds examples in the Bible of the type of women men need to seek and disregard, and the ways in which women should act. She threw herself at him. She dressed provocatively. She was everything that a Proverbs 31 woman is not. She wasn't modest or chaste at all. She worked, but not work that honors God, her future spouse, or her actual spouse.

What type of woman are you?
Are you a type of man that would even be around such a woman?

God bless,
Lauren

Day 35

You know, today's reading really made me laugh out loud when I got to the Psalms.

We have this joke between my roommates and I that we would make tons of money if we had a hidden camera in our apartment and made a show out of the footage because we are all so so goofy.

Embarrassing confession: I randomly belt out Christian praise and worship music all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean all the time. We would be sitting on the couch watching food network and I'll just bust into a Hillsong United song. When I'm cooking, when I'm cleaning, even when I'm having a conversation, I'll get sidetracked and break out the Shane & Shane. I tell ya', I'm weird.

So you can imagine, our house is pretty entertaining. There is me, a liberal artsy musical bookworm, another roommate who is an athletic training major, another roommate who is music education major, and another one who is just livin' life here in Lawrence. We have quite the entertaining household.

When Psalm 28 came along my path this morning, I almost died laughing at verse 7...
"The LORD is my strength and shield.
      I trust him with all my heart.
   He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
      I burst out in songs of thanksgiving."

Hahaha!!! Okay, God was seriously making me laugh this morning.  

Today is a busy day, so I'll just leave you all with that. Be silly! Thank God! Take advantage of life!

God bless,
Lauren

Day 34

Today is my Aunt Cindy's birthday! Happy Birthday!

You know, most of my life, I have struggled with impatience. I really don't want to wait, I just want things now!

I came across this study the other day when doing some research for my book, and I just thought I would share it. This experiment is called the "Stanford Marshmellow Experiment":

"The purpose of the original study was to understand when the control of deferred gratification, the ability to wait to obtain something that one wants, develops in children.The original experiment took place at the Bing Nursery School located at Standford University, using children the age of four to six as subjects. The children were led into a room, empty of distractions, where a treat of their choice (Oreo cookie, marshmallow, or pretzel stick) was placed on a table, by a chair. The children could eat the marshmallow, the researchers said, but if they waited for fifteen minutes without giving in to the temptation, they would be rewarded with a second marshmallow. Mischel observed as some would "cover their eyes with their hands or turn around so that they can't see the tray, others start kicking the desk, or tug on their pigtails, or stroke the marshmallow as if it were a tiny stuffed animal", while others would simply eat the marshmallow as soon as the researchers left.
In over 600 children who took part in the experiment, a minority ate the marshmallow immediately. Of those who attempted to delay, one third deferred gratification long enough to get the second marshmallow. Age was a major determinant of deferred gratification."

I wish I could do that with some things, just cover my eyes, sing a song, distract myself. Let me tell you, I don't think I would want the marshmellow, but if you put an oreo cookie in front of me, I don't know how well I would be able to resist for too long (thanks, dad).

There are quite a few oreo cookies that I want in my life right now. A lot of things that I'm ready for. A lot of cream-filled deliciousness that I want to steal away at this second.

I would like to share another story-- a fable that I have read before:

The Magic Thread
"Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually "happiness" in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile. "He that can have patience, can have what he will," Benjamin Franklin told us, and this French tale bears him out.

Once there was a widow who had a son called Peter. He was a strong, able boy, but he did not enjoy going to school and he was forever daydreaming.

"Peter, what are you dreaming about this time?" his teacher would say to him.

"I'm thinking about what I'll be when I grow up," Peter replied.

"Be patient. There's plenty of time for that. Being grown up isn't all fun, you know," his teacher said.

But Peter found it hard to enjoy whatever he was doing at the moment, and was always hankering after the next thing. In winter he longed for it to be summer again, and in summer he looked forward to the skating, sledging, and warm fires of winter. At school he would long for the day to be over so that he could go home, and on Sunday nights he would sigh, "If only the holidays would come." What he enjoyed most was playing with his friend Liese. She was as good a companion as any boy, and no matter how impatient Peter was, she never took offense. "When I grow up, I shall marry Liese," Peter said to himself.

Often he wandered through the forest, dreaming of the future. Sometimes he lay down on the soft forest floor in the warm sun, his hands behind his head, staring up at the sky through the distant treetops. One hot afternoon as he began to grow sleepy, he heard someone calling his name. He opened his eyes and sat up. Standing before him was an old woman. In her hand she held a silver ball, from which dangled a silken golden thread.

"See what I have got here, Peter," she said, offering the ball to him.

"What is it?" he asked curiously, touching the fine golden thread.

"This is your life thread," the old woman replied. "Do not touch it and time will pass normally. But if you wish time to pass more quickly, you have only to pull the thread a little way and an hour will pass like a second. But I warn you, once the thread has been pulled out, it cannot be pushed back in again. It will disappear like a puff of smoke. The ball is for you. But if you accept my gift you must tell no one, or on that very day you shall die. Now, say, do you want it?"

Peter seized the gift from her joyfully. It was just what he wanted. He examined the silver ball. It was light and solid, made of a single piece. The only flaw in it was the tiny hole from which the bright thread hung. He put the ball in his pocket and ran home. There, making sure that his mother was out, he examined it again. The thread seemed to be creeping very slowly out of the ball, so slowly that it was scarcely noticeable to the naked eye. He longed to give it a quick tug, but dared not do so. Not yet.

The following day at school, Peter sat daydreaming about what he would do with his magic thread. The teacher scolded him for not concentrating on his work. If only, he thought, it was time to go home. Then he felt the silver ball in his pocket. If he pulled out a tiny bit of thread, the day would be over. Very carefully he took hold of it and tugged. Suddenly the teacher was telling everyone to pack up their books and to leave the classroom in an orderly fashion. Peter was overjoyed. He ran all the way home. How easy life would be now! All his troubles were over. From that day forth he began to pull the thread, just a little, every day.

One day, however, it occurred to him that it was stupid to pull the thread just a little each day. If he gave it a harder tug, school would be over altogether. Then he could start learning a trade and marry Liese. So that night he gave the thread a hard tug, and in the morning he awoke to find himself apprenticed to a carpenter in town. He loved his new life, clambering about on roofs and scaffolding, lifting and hammering great beams into place that still smelled of the forest. But sometimes, when payday seemed too far off, he gave the thread a little tug and suddenly the week was drawing to a close and it was Friday night and he had money in his pocket.

Liese had also come to town and was living with her aunt, who taught her housekeeping. Peter began to grow impatient for the day when they would be married. It was hard to live so near and yet so far from her. He asked her when they could be married.

"In another year," she said. "Then I will have learned how to be a capable wife."

Peter fingered the silver ball in his pocket.

"Well, the time will pass quickly enough," he said, knowingly.

That night Peter could not sleep. He tossed and turned restlessly. He took the magic ball from under his pillow. For a moment he hesitated; then his impatience got the better of him, and he tugged at the golden thread. In the morning he awoke to find that the year was over and that Liese had at last agreed to marry him. Now Peter felt truly happy.

But before their wedding could take place, Peter received an official-looking letter. He opened it in trepidation and read that he was expected to report at the army barracks the following week for two years' military service. He showed the letter to Liese in despair.

"Well," she said, "there is nothing for it, we shall just have to wait. But the time will pass quickly, you'll see. There are so many things to do in preparation for our life together."

Peter smiled bravely, knowing that two years would seem a lifetime to him.

Once Peter had settled into life at the barracks, however, he began to feel that it wasn't so bad after all. He quite enjoyed being with all the other young men, and their duties were not very arduous at first. He remembered the old woman's warning to use the thread wisely and for a while refrained from pulling it.
But in time he grew restless again. Army life bored him with its routine duties and harsh discipline. He began pulling the thread to make the week go faster so that it would be Sunday again, or to speed up the time until he was due for leave. And so the two years passed almost as if they had been a dream.

Back home, Peter determined not to pull the thread again until it was absolutely necessary. After all, this was the best time of his life, as everyone told him. He did not want it to be over too quickly. He did, however, give the thread one or two very small tugs, just to speed along the day of his marriage.

He longed to tell Liese his secret, but he knew that if he did he would die.
On the day of his wedding, everyone, including Peter, was happy. He could hardly wait to show Liese the house he had built for her. At the wedding feast he glanced over at his mother. He noticed for the first time how gray her hair had grown recently. She seemed to be aging so quickly. Peter felt a pang of guilt that he had pulled the thread so often. Henceforward he would be much more sparing with it and only use it when it was strictly necessary.

A few months later Liese announced that she was going to have a child. Peter was overjoyed and could hardly wait. When the child was born, he felt that he could never want for anything again. But whenever the child was ill or cried through the sleepless night, he gave the thread a little tug, just so that the baby might be well and happy again.

Times were hard. Business was bad and a government had come to power that squeezed the people dry with taxes and would tolerate no opposition. Anyone who became known as a troublemaker was thrown into prison without trial and rumor was enough to condemn a man. Peter had always been known as one who spoke his mind, and very soon he was arrested and cast into jail. Luckily he had his magic ball with him and he tugged very hard at the thread. The prison walls dissolved before him and his enemies were scattered in the huge explosion that burst forth like thunder. It was the war that had
been threatening, but it was over as quickly as a summer storm, leaving behind it an exhausted peace.

Peter found himself back home with his family. But now he was a middle-aged man.
For a time things went well and Peter lived in relative contentment. One day he looked at his magic ball and saw to his surprise that the thread had turned from gold to silver. He looked in the mirror. His hair was starting to turn gray and his face was lined where before there had not been a wrinkle to be seen. He suddenly felt afraid and determined to use the thread even more carefully than before. Liese bore him more children and he seemed happy as the head of his growing household. His stately manner often made people think of him as some sort of benevolent ruler. He had an air of authority as if he held the fate of others in his hands. He kept his magic ball in a well-hidden place, safe from the curious eyes of his children, knowing that if anyone were to discover it, it would be fatal.

As the number of his children grew, so his house became more overcrowded. He would have to extend it, but for that he needed money. He had other worries too. His mother was looking older and more tired every day. It was of no use to pull the magic thread because that would only hasten her approaching death. All too soon she died, and as Peter stood at her graveside, he wondered how it was that life passed so quickly, even without pulling the magic thread.

One night as he lay in bed, kept awake by his worries, he thought how much easier life would be if all his children were grown up and launched upon their careers in life. He gave the thread a mighty tug, and the following day he awoke to find that his children had all left home for jobs in different parts of the country, and that he and his wife were alone. His hair was almost white now and often his back and limbs ached as he climbed the ladder or lifted a heavy beam into place. Liese too was getting old and she was often ill. He couldn't bear to see her suffer, so that more and more he resorted to pulling at the magic thread. But as soon as one trouble was solved, another seemed to grow in its place. Perhaps life would be easier if he retired, Peter thought. Then he would no longer have to clamber about on drafty, half-completed buildings and he could look after Liese when she was ill. The trouble was that he didn't have enough money to live on. He picked up his magic ball and looked at it. To his dismay he saw that the thread was no longer silver but gray and lusterless. He decided to go for a walk in the forest to think things over.

It was a long time since he had been in that part of the forest. The small saplings had all grown into tall fir trees, and it was hard to find the path he had once known. Eventually he came to a bench in a clearing. He sat down to rest and fell into a light doze. He was woken by someone calling his name,

"Peter! Peter!"

He looked up and saw the old woman he had met so many years ago when she had given him the magic silver ball with its golden thread. She looked just as she had on that day, not a day older. She smiled at him.

"So, Peter, have you had a good life?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," Peter said. "Your magic ball is a wonderful thing. I have never had to suffer or wait for anything in my life. And yet it has all passed so quickly. I feel that I have had no time to take in what has happened to me, neither the good things nor the bad. Now there is so little time left. I dare not pull the thread again for it will only bring me to my death. I do not think your gift has brought me luck."

"How ungrateful you are!" the old woman said. "In what way would you have wished things to be different?"

"Perhaps if you had given me a different ball, one where I could have pushed the thread back in as well as pulling it out. Then I could have relived the things that went badly."

The old woman laughed. "You ask a great deal! Do you think that God allows us to live our lives twice over? But I can grant you one final wish, you foolish, demanding man."

"What is that?" Peter asked.

"Choose," the old woman said. Peter thought hard.

At length he said, "I should like to live my life again as if for the first time, but without your magic ball. Then I will experience the bad things as well as the good without cutting them short, and at least my life will not pass as swiftly and meaninglessly as a daydream."

"So be it," said the old woman. "Give me back my ball."

She stretched out her hand and Peter placed the silver ball in it. Then he sat back and closed his eyes with exhaustion.

When he awoke he was in his own bed. His youthful mother was bending over him, shaking him gently.

"Wake up, Peter. You will be late for school. You were sleeping like the dead!"

He looked up at her in surprise and relief.

"I've had a terrible dream, Mother. I dreamed that I was old and sick and that my life had passed like the blinking of an eye with nothing to show for it. Not even any memories."

His mother laughed and shook her head.

"That will never happen," she said. "Memories are the one thing we all have, even when we are old. Now hurry and get dressed. Liese is waiting for you and you will be late for school."

As Peter walked to school with Liese, he noticed what a bright summer morning it was, the kind of morning when it felt good to be alive. Soon he would see his friends and classmates, and even the prospect of lessons didn't seem so bad. In fact he could hardly wait."

I feel as though I talk of patience a lot, but it is something I'm struggling with. But I know it's just another decoy of the enemy to get us to be unsatisfied with the position and blessings God gives us at the present. If we are constantly looking towards the future, looking for something better, going after what we want, how can we take the time to pause and thank God for everything he has already given us?

Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

Yup, that was in today's reading. As well as the Israelites having to wait three days to see God and be close to him. Think God is trying to send me a message?? I do!

Patience is specifically mentioned 33 times, only in the New Testament. God uses phrases such as "long suffering" and "endurance" in the old testament.

Being patient for what God has planned for us is not only an opportunity to use his gifts given to us, but to understand what it means to be a Christian. God does not give us anything that we can't handle, and everything runs on God's perfect master clock. He has a plan for us each and everyday, and he knows when we are ready to receive the desires of our hearts.

Alright, I get it, Lord! I'm working on it!

God bless,
Lauren

Day 33

I don't know about you, but I think God was seriously playing with me today. Did anyone else listen to Obama's speech at the National Prayer breakfast? It was definitely encouraging and I truly believe that he is wanting to do right...

Now I believe that Obama is a great man, but I don't really agree with his policies. And that's the great thing about having the freedoms we do in the US, is that we don't always have to love the policies to love the man.

I'm just going to come right out and say it since no one really reads my blog, but I truly love Ron Paul as a candidate. He is not only an exemplary man, but has really fantastic ideas that I believe are quite Biblical in their foundation.

I hate underestimating how much time I have to get everything done. This morning, I had gotten up before the sun to go to lottery for basketball, and instead of staying up and getting things done, I slept in like a lazy sloth and didn't allow myself enough time to write my blog.

So, I'm sitting in my British literature class finishing up (well, starting) really my blog.

We read Samuel Taylor Coleridge's works for today, and included in those works was Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Now, I'm not a HUGE fan of poetry, but the more I read them, the more I appreciate them. There is a few lines at the end of Rime that are probably my favorite line of poetry ever written...

"He prayeth well, who leveth well
Both man and bird and beast.
He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all."

Wow, that is very powerful for such a dark poem. And it's message is so clear, despite the poetics of the Rime.

I absolutely love classical literature. I really do. They have more depth, more insight, and quite frankly are more intelligent than the fiction of today. And people really cared to write about their faith--now we worry about being "politically correct." Any religious overtones and you get "shunned" from the literary world, especially by teenage girls who adore romance novels.

Well the Bible is the greatest romance novel of them all. It's God's love letter to us. It's God's way of telling us that he always provides. He made food rain from the sky for his beloved Israelites, he forgives all of us for our indiscretions, he gives guidance and affection... Yet vampires are more interesting? I'm sorry, as much as I really enjoy the Twilight series, I would choose the Bible anyday..

You know, I hate that sometimes we have to sacrifice. But whenever I recognize my bitterness, I immediately feel guilty.. Last night, I really wanted to go to the basketball game. I really really wanted to go. I had resolved, even though I had an immense amount of important work to do, to go to the game. I knew that I shouldn't go. I knew that I should stay home and do my work, but I did things my way. Well you know what happened? I forgot my student ID (which has my ticket on it) at home. I had parked my car, and gotten almost all the way to the Fieldhouse, when I realized I didn't have it. And I knew. I knew that I had disobeyed God.

You know, you don't think that something as little as homework has anything to do with glorifying God.

1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

Got me. Would it have been glorifying to God to either not do my work, or do it poorly? No. Not at all. My goal in life is to be a minister and to glorify God by action, word, and deed. Halfheartedly giving myself to my studies is not glorifying to God.

Another big thing is my research proposal for my Senior thesis is due today. My Senior thesis is going to consist of my book that I'm wanting to write about the modern relationship and what is/is not glorifying to God and what the Bible says about all of it. That's a big deal and I didn't have it done before I went to the game.

So when I got back to my apartment, I called my mom and teared up, then got myself together and did my homework. I worked and reworked my proposal. I found evidence to support my project, and I got all of my reading done. I was done by 9:00 and I felt good. I knew that I had made the right choice.

The choices that we make reflect our faith with God. The attitudes we have reflect our glory that we are giving to God. Even something as little as homework needs to be glorifying to our Father.

Matthew 22:14 "For many are called, but few are chosen."

Are we going to ignore God's call in our life? Or are we going to rise up and be the chosen ones.

God Bless,
Lauren