Day 40

The day 40 is certainly significant.. I also think it's significant that on the 40th day of reading, I read of the betrayal by Judas.

It honestly hurts my heart.. For 30 pieces of silver?? Like did he not know what was going to happen?

There is a song by Sidewalk Prophets that kind of sums up everything in my opinion...

"I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway"

I am Judas... I am the betrayer. Everyday I disobey Jesus, everyday I fall asleep when he tells me to keep guard, everyday that I don't walk with Jesus, everyday that I don't proclaim myself a follower, everyday I don't try and save or help one person.

That's really a harsh reality for me. I would like to think I'm a good Christian, that I truly live my life for Jesus, but didn't Judas? Judas and I are not so different. Judas betrayed God, and then pretended he was abhorred when Jesus said that someone would betray him. He ate at the Lord's table, walked with the people of God, yet... He was a sell-out.

I feel like that, honestly. I feel like no matter how hard I try, there is always something that gets in the way of my relationship with God--whether that be pride, selfishness, a persona, guilt... Everything. I mean, I struggle so much to work on my personal relationship, but I am always a sinner.

That's the wonderful thing about grace. That's the amazing work of God. He took our punishment, and the punishment we still deserve. He took rebuke, dirt, and suffering for us. He knows that I want a relationship, he knows that I suffer just as much as everyone else from attacks by the enemy, but this is exactly why he died.

In my own world, I would like to think that Jesus understands my pain and would much rather i put my struggles and fears and worries and trials and questions with him than pretend like they don't exist. I think he would rather me acknowledge my weaknesses and try to redeem myself through him than pretending that everything is okay and I'm just letting life pass me by... I don't know. I would love for that to be true, and it is in my life.

By acknowledging my weaknesses, asking questions, leaning on Jesus for my struggles, I know that I'm trying to do right--I know that I have a passion for this and I care. Because if I didn't care, then I wouldn't be trying to read and live his word and writing about it.

I just have to keep praying. I have to keep trying to get a greater personal relationship. I have to keep working for myself...

But he loves us no matter what.

God Bless,
Lauren