First off, I would like to apologize to anyone that I may have offended with this blog.
Last night, I was needfully humbled. I am so thankful to have such great and subjective spiritual leaders, but it hurts when you hear something that you know in your gut.
I meant for this blog to be a testament to MY faith journey and MY readings everyday, but somewhere along the way (even though it's been short), I have lost sight of what I originally set out to do. I have gotten caught up in the excitement of God's word that I have abandoned my original intent and have become preachy.
I really do write what comes to mind, I just basically free flow and go with it. And yes, things that I have said may be good and awesome, but we all get enough sermons in our lifetime and this blog does not need to be another one. I truly do apologize.
Yet again, perfect example of what happens when we stop making things about God and get caught up with ourselves. I know that is one of my biggest struggles with ANYTHING I do... I lose my motive, I forget my purpose, and sometimes, although I say I'm centering God in my actions and decisions, I don't. I center myself and how I will appear to others.
I heard this great analogy and I must share it (paraphrased)-- "God wants to know our hearts.. Our true hearts... Not the one that we clothe with different appearances and personae. He doesn't want to know the evangelist you or the minister you, he wants to know just you. He wants to know you naked-not what you clothe yourself with."
And I think that is absolutely perfect for what I've been doing. I've been trying out different "personae" to see which one best fits my life, to see what I would be most happy with doing, to see where I can see my true self, rather than just letting God take the reins and lead me. I try and different outfits and say, "Is this how you want me to look God?" Rather than God picking out my dress and saying, "You will wear this and look good :)"
I don't know if that even makes any sense, but I really am sorry for the front I've been putting up, and my loss of focus with my posts.
In today's reading, what struck me the most was how Moses got to chill on the mountain with God on his journey to the promise land quite often. Being in the presence of God! And every time Moses came back with God's command, the people were astounded and said, "We will do everything the Lord has commanded. We will obey."
Looking back, we know that they didn't. And I am so bad about this. I really and truly everyday am like, "God, I'm going to do everything you have commanded. I will obey." But when it comes down to it, am I? No. I'm not. I may be going through the motions, but in my heart I know that it's all for the sake of vanity. God, I am so desperate to actually follow your command!!
In Matthew, Jesus talked of his return...
"42 “So you, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know what day your Lord is coming. 43 Understand this: If a homeowner knew exactly when a burglar was coming, he would keep watch and not permit his house to be broken into. 44 You also must be ready all the time, for the Son of Man will come when least expected.
45 “A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. 46 If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward. 47 I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns. 48 But what if the servant is evil and thinks, ‘My master won’t be back for a while,’ 49 and he begins beating the other servants, partying, and getting drunk? 50 The master will return unannounced and unexpected, 51 and he will cut the servant to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
Matthew 24:42-51
I don't know when the Lord is coming, and I'm trying to keep myself ready, keep my soul protected. But sometimes, my battery goes out on my alarm system, and even though there is a reminder (God) that keeps beeping at me, I ignore it and put in my earplugs. God wants me to join him in the Kingdom of Heaven and I am just a stupid human consumed in sin. I am not a "faithful, sensible servant" to whom the master can trust his field with. I'm a horrible sinner and I fall short of the glory of God everyday.
I know that it's God's grace that saves us all. I know that Jesus didn't die for nothing... He died because he loves us so much. But I'm a hypocrite. I don't honor him everyday in my heart with my actions. Subconsciously, I do things to put glory on myself. I don't mean to, and I try hard not to, and I have the best intentions. But if you intend to not change the batteries in your alarm system to your house and never do it, then if you're robbed, it's your own fault... You didn't do the preparation, you didn't guard your house with diligence, you didn't take the step to secure yourself.
I need to get around to changing my batteries in my alarm. I have just GOT to examine my motives for everything. I have GOT to truly have this close relationship with God and stop putting on this front! I'm tired of it! I think that I'm doing right, when I'm not. I try to do good, and I sin. It's my curse that I'm plagued with. It's a battle that I'm constantly fighting.
Today's Psalm was a reflection definitely of how I'm feeling right now:
"6 When I was prosperous, I said,
“Nothing can stop me now!”
7 Your favor, O LORD, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.
8 I cried out to you, O LORD.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, LORD, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O LORD.”"
Psalm 30:6-10
Lord, please help me. I'm desperate to be your servant. I'm desperate to be faithful to you. I'm desperate to continue my relationship with you. I'm begging you to make YOU the center of everything I do. Please forgive my stupidity and sinfulness. Please, God...
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